Chill Out, Freckles McGee.

Dear Jersey Shore Cast (aka The Classiest People I've Ever Seen In My Life),

In just eight frickin' weeks you changed my frickin' life. Your show spoke to me in a way that, you know, was so frickin' relatable. Every frickin' Thursday, I like frickin' loved all of your crazy drunken bar fights and misadventures. With all the Gotti hair gel and cheetah print and bedazzled t-shirts, I totally like lived vicariously through alls of you guys. (Okay, I'll stop with the poor grammar.) It's safe to say you seven (let's face it, Angelina is a chump and no one even remembers her anyway), are my heroes and when I'm 27-years-old, I can only hope to be like all of you.

Yes, I am well aware that I am not of Italian descent, however, as proven by this fine program, being a guido or guidette is a lifestyle that one becomes accustomed to. Had my parents been responsible and thought about my future and my well-being from the day I was born, they would have stayed in Jersey where I could have possibly reached my star potential. Being the only non-Italian person on The Shore, I would have helped the break boundaries as your cool neighbor or something. Also, I feel like you guys would've received less flack from everyone for "negatively" depicting Italian-Americans. I didn't see a single Italian stereotype. I just saw seven (remember, I don't count Angelina because she sucks) young individuals who were looking to party, get in fights (whether or not it be with other individuals or the music at the bar) and smush. Who am I to judge? Personally, it sounds like a lot of fun. He who hath not smushed, cast the first stone. Am I right or am i right?

On the real, I feel like the person who I am today is made up of little bits of you guys. Vinny, like you, I have a college degree. (High five for higher education.) Like Sammi, I, too, am "the sweetest bitch you will ever meet but [you] don't fuck with me" because I will literally cut you. I mean, I keep a razor in underneath my tongue. Coincidence alert: Ronnie is juiced and I LOVE juice (preferably grapefruit, pineapple, and/or cranberry). When I go out, I tease the mess out of hair so I can get a poof just like Nicole "Snookie" Polizzi. Just like sweet, sweet Pauly D, I like to end all of my war stories with a random fact of the day (Remember when you told us about how you punched a guy in the nose and then wrapped it up with: "It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break someone's nose"? Or the other time you were talking about how sometimes you have to hang out with a girl a few times before you engaged in smushing and explained that was how you knew they weren't a whore?). JWoww, I'm not there yet, but because of you, I'm inspired to invest in a ginormous pair of knockers (Why not, right?), especially since I feel like they aided you in gaining the opportunity to see Pauly's... uh... piercing. (What I'm curious?) Mike, I'm sorry, brah, but I really have nothing in common with you. But you know, you are cool. Whatever.

Anyways, I basically wanted to make sure that you guys don't flake out on your upcoming appearances like you did a few weeks ago because I will get real heated. I've already got my tan, my "sexy sophisticated" club shirt from JWoww's line (in the yellow AND blue), and so much hairspray in my poof that I could literally be set on fire if someone lit a cigarette, ah-right?! Fact, Sammie and Ronnie broke up on the reunion show, but I'm counting on you guys to be at McFadden's on Feburary 4th to frickin' party. (So what?) I don't care if there have been reports about Ronnie creeping on other girls. Get over it and party in Chi-City. Pauly D, JWoww, and The Situation: I swear to God if you don't show up to Joe's on Weed Street on the 19th of February and on March 6th, I will back hand you so hard that you will think that you are The Three Frickin' Stooges. So don't be a bunch of frickin' mooks. Alls I want to do is beat the beat up with you.

Well, I've said my peace. So don't f up. See you, kids soon.

Warm Regards,


(idk my bff) KIM

P.S. If I can be frank for a second, you guys need to stop being a bunch of jabronis (Mikey and Pauly D, sources say you're the cause of the problem. So quit it and be good.) and accept whatever the f MTV wants to give you for season 2. Getting $10,000 per episode for your sophomore season is a pretty sweet deal for 12 episodes. Jenni, that's a lot of ham. Snookie, that's a lot of frickin' pickles. You all better be back (minus Angelina because she's a bartender and that means she does "like, important things"). Don't forget, I don't like change.

If Morgan Freeman Can, So Can I.

Life. What a silly little topic, right? We've only got one and we have to make the most of it. But what do we do with our lives? What are we doing with our lives? What are we supposed to be doing with it? What do we want to do with our lives? What do we need to do? Do we live life on the edge or do we play it safe? I'm sure these are all questions you ask yourself when you're in your early mid-20's and trying to figure it all out. It's a little cliche, but I'm finding it to be very true.

I mean, don't let the face fool you. I'm 23-years-old and I'm not getting any younger. I have no idea where my life is headed and I'm not exactly sure where I want it to go. In the wake of Cha Cha Lee's birthday (What are you like 50 now?) and in honor of MTV's new, The Buried Life, which despite all of my unwillingness to tune in, I probably will since Glee and Gossip Girl will be on hiatus until April (WOOF!), I began to ponder my own life--where I am, who I am, and where I want to be. You are only young once so I thought, what the hell. I've compiled my very own bucket list where you will find everything that I want to do before I turn 30 (because let's be real, we all know 30 is synonymous with death).

1. Travel the world. There are so many places I want to see. I want to be able to say that I have been to all seven continents and that I have visited all 50 states at least. I would love to back pack through Europe while my hips and knees are still working. And of course, by "back pack through Europe" I mean, stay at snazzy hotels and go on fabulous shopping sprees and eat the finest cuisines. Duh. I guess, it doesn't even have to be Europe. It would just be amazing to go anywhere in the world.
   
   
2. Buy a pair of Christian Louboutin heels. I know that it is impractical to spend 6 months of rent on a pair of heels that I would rarely wear because I want to preserve them and keep them immaculate, but come on! I'd be fabulous.
   
   
3. Learn to swim. I think it's time. Standing in 4 ft of water in the pool gets annoying when the little kids start splashing around and you get the butt of a noodle in the face (okay, the noodle in the face may or may not be my fault when I try to stand and balance on it). For some reason I'm deathly afraid of deep body's of water. I have no idea why. It probably has something to do with almost drowning in the Atlantic Ocean when I was 12, but I don't know probably not. I just feel like I need to learn how to swim. It's probably that survivor instinct I have.
   
   
4. Join the next Real World cast. Yes, I know this show sucks and has sucked since the season after Las Vegas. Yes, Real World: Washington, D.C. is weak. But come on, guys! Remember when we were 13 and you watched The Real World religiously? If you were anything like me, I bet you thought, Yup, when I turn 18 I'm sending in my audition tape. Then you turn 18 and then you realize you're not old enough to drink and you would be that lame underaged roommate who couldn't party. Then you turn 21 and realize alcohol makes you crazy and lose your inhibitions; and you don't want your mom and dad to see you hook up with everything with a pulse in the hot tub. Blah. Blah. Blah. You end up embarrassing your family and giving your grandmother a heart attack because you win a wet t-shirt contest. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Time flies, and all of sudden, BAM! You're 23 and a half and only have a year to even be considered to be on the show AND you realize your audition tape would've been so much better if you taped it right after your skeez ex dumps you. But hey, pop quiz: Whaddaya got to lose? Answer: Nothing because you're pretty sure ass is on the internet anyway. To quote a great man named Ricky Bobby, "I've sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm puttin' a lotta eggs in that basket, the MTV basket."
   
   
5. Attend Comic-Con. Not Wizard World. Not Emerald City. I need to make a pilgrimage to the Comic-Con. It is an absolute must. We all know I'm kind of a nerd and this is my mecca. Don't judge.
   
   
6. Buy a condo. Slowly but surely, I'm going to make it happen. It's about time I buckle down and own some property.
   
   
7. Star in my own successful Disney Channel sitcom. I only have a good ten to fifteen years of looking like I'm 17, but I will only have the tolerance and patience to deal with my overwhelming tween fans for about seven. Anyways, if you haven't heard me plead my case as to why I should be the next Disney Channel star go ahead and click here.
   
   
8. Start a fight club.. or at least a crazy bar fight. If you know me, you know I love punching and kicking. I've really only been in one real fight and that was when I was like seven. Some kid whipped a baseball at me and I twisted his arm til he was begging for mercy--NBD. What was I supposed to do? He drew first blood! Anyways, I've been hankering to be part of a good old cat fight for a while now. Watching The Jersey Shore is only helping to reignite that inner fight I have in me (i.e. JWoww beating the crap out of that girl). I would love to feel raw human flesh being crushed by my fist from my mad right hook and seeing the large imprint of my massive cocktail ring on some broad's face. I like trouble, so why can't I cause a ruckus of my own... just once. Plus, sometimes you just need to choke a bitch. Am I right?
   
   
9. Get arrested. Well, at least cuffed. I think it would be cool to have a real mug shot. It would also be pretty sweet to be in a line up... and try to look especially suspcious. (Insert shifty eyes here.)
   
   
10. Go to Vegas and party with my girlfriends. Basically, I'm thinking The Hangover meets Sex in the City sans the weird looking red head. What's one crazy weekend of partying with free drinks (because let's face it, having a vagina is basically like having a Black Amex in the sense it's guaranteed VIP) in fabulous clothes and amazing weather with a group of great girls? I hope that we all get black out drunk and find a tiger in the bathroom because that would be AWESOME.
    
    
11. Get married. Womp. Womp. Don't get it twisted. I had to drop this bomb. Note: I definitely don't want to get married any time soon and absolutely not right this second, but yes, I do want to get married before I am thirty. Whatever. Sue me.
    
    
12. Become a YouTube sensation. I need a catchy tune, a clever rhyme and a universal vision. To be honest, I've been so close, but kind of blew it. This is definitely a work in progress, but, oh, it will happen. There are a few ideas a-brewing in this little noggin of mine. My time will come and I will be a YouTube queen. You will see. Trust me, I'm going to be as big as the Dramatic Gopher. Just you wait and see. I'm gonna make something out of myself, mom!
    
    
13. Go for a ride on an elephant. F horses. Everyone can ride a stinkin' horse. Big whoop. Going for a ride on an elephant would be sweet! Maybe it's because I just saw Aladdin recently, but wouldn't that be the grandest entrance ever? I'd be scared to fall off, but whatever, then I could say I broke my arm because I fell off an elephant.
    
    
14. Have a drink in every bar in the great city of Chicago. This has been a goal of mine since the ripe ol' age of 21. At first, I wanted to achieve this goal in a year from my 21st birthday, but soon found it was impossible especially since I would black out and stumble into places. Basically, I just lost track. I know that I have been to a handful already, but I will get there. It is only a matter of time. Don't mind me if you see me peeing in an alley or throwing up in front of your building.
    
    
15. Be an extra for one of the Christian Bale Batman movies. I mean, duh.
    
    
16. Reunite the best band in the entire world, NSYNC. I am very vocal about this cause. I've written letters and waited outside of Justin Timberlake's house and even watched him sleep. Whatever. We all know it is JT's stubbornness and solo success that this group is failing to reunite. We need to band together as fans and show them that the world would be a better place if, and only if, they got back together for at least one show. I mean, the Spice Girls did it.

I'm sure I will be adding to the list. So stay tuned, kiddies...

What a Girl Doesn't Want.

Christmas is upon us and for those of us with significant others are facing that biannual problem of what to get them. Let me just say, it is way easier for a girl to shop for their boyfriend because to be honest, we listen and plus, that's what we do all year. He's obsessed with his X-BOX---BAM! You get them the video game he won't shut up about. His favorite band is on tour. You get him tickets. For some reason, his closet is full of metallic shirts (sorry, I had to :P). You remind him he's not a Persian nightclub owner and buy him clothes. Easy, right?

Between the all football and basketball games that seem to always be on, a girl is lucky when their boyfriend even notices that she is even the same room. That being said, boys, you have no idea what to get your girlfriends and since there are few weeks until Christmas, I figured I can give you a little gift guide on what not to get them when you go shopping on Christmas Eve. I mean, Christmas is about giving and being happy. You don't want her to have that awkward look on her face and have her pretend she loves the bowling ball you got her, right, Homer?

Tool Set. It doesn't matter if they are pink. It doesn't even matter if the tools are covered in glitter. Unless she's bigger than you, wears a lot of flannel and steel boots, and rocks a mullet while she is scissoring her best friend, Bertha, this is definitely not a good idea. I'm all for girl power and fixing stuff, but you're her boyfriend. If she needs something major fixed, she will probably call you to do it. Girls, no matter how independent, will not need 8 different kinds of screw drivers for anything. Trust me.

Video Games. Though video games are definitely among the most popular gifts of the season, they are the most popular amongst boys ages 11-23. So, unless you're girlfriend is a prepubescent boy, which for your sake, I hope she is not, then you probably shouldn't get her video games. Yeah, she may like playing them. So what if she has her own video game console? Unless she specifically says, "Babe, I really want that Arkham Asylum game that all the kids are playing", don't do it. It's just not a good idea because she probably wants something a little more sentimental and from the heart.

Anything from Spencer's Gifts. Trust me on this. Your girlfriend will not appreciate the farting frog or the dog that humps your leg. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even crack a smile if you got her a novelty shirt that said: Female Bikini Inspector. Though you may find it hilarious, she may not. In fact, I know she will not.

Clothes. You think you know what your girlfriend would look good in. You want her in something skin tight that shows off her amazing body and makes her boobs stick out, right? That's really not how this whole shopping process works. Your girlfriend looks good in the clothes she wears because she meticulously picks them out. You know how you dread going shopping with her because she spends hours and hours in one store? That's because she knows what she likes and what she would look good in. Plus, this will most likely make a turn for the worst. If you get her clothes that are too big or too small, you will be asked relentlessly if you think she is fat. Unless, you consult her gay best friend (and by consult, I mean, have him pick out the clothes), you are S.O.L.

Weighing Scale/Magnifying Mirror. By nature, all women are a little insecure. No matter how confident a girl is, she has at least one thing she doesn't like about herself. There is no better way to get her to scruntinize her every flaw by making her realize that she's got a fat ass and pores that are more vast than the Grand Canyon. Avoid these items at all costs. It will definitely send the wrong message and it will prevent World War III.

Gift Cards/Money. Though this requires little thought and could definitely get her something she wants, you don't get a girl a gift card. You're not her uncle. We all learned this from Seinfeld.

Crotch-less/Ass-less Anything. Really? I mean, really? What you guys are into behind closed doors is your business. However, if she can't tell her mother what you got her for Christmas it's probably inappropriate and definitely, more of a present for you. You don't want her parents to know you're a skeevy perv even if she is into it. On that note...

Charitable Donation in Her Name. Unless, she is a trifling good for nothing hippy, this gift is retarded. You're supposed to get her something she wants for Christmas and more often than not, this something you are supposed to get her needs to be tangible (and if you want to score bonus points, sparkly*). She doesn't give a crap about the damn polar bears or the environment. The generous amount of money that you use for this load of hippy nonsense could be used toward something useful to her like a designer purse or jewelry. Oh and do not have anything named after her: a star, a highway, any kind of animal... That's just stupid. (*Note: To be clear, when I say "sparkly", I mean jewelry. Don't go out and have a star named after your lady friend, especially if you live in a metropolitan area, who's skies are filled with that sweet sweet pollution.)

Herpes. ...Or any other STD. She probably doesn't want an STD for Christmas and if you gave it to her, I'm not a fortune teller or anything, but I'm 99.9% sure that a fight would ensue and you would definitely have some explaining to do.

If you have any more gift ideas, this should put the kibosh on that. Really though, you should definitely get her something that you think that she would want, not what you would want. Oh and most of all, do not listen to your friends' suggestions... especially if your girlfriend tells you what she wants to make your life easier, you should probably listen to her (she probably sent you pictures of exactly what she wants).

Oh, and you're welcome.

Fatty Loves Turkey.

There was that perfect turkey full of goodness perfect for the food coma that ensued. You absolutely had to have that delicious stuffing tryptophan with those delectable buttered (mmm... butter) mashed potatoes and no, you didn't skimp on that gravy. Oh, and the pies. You can't forget the pies. We have this ridiculously amazing home cooked multi-course feast to just shove in our faces.  Let's face it, the holidays are an excuse to engage in arguably the best of the seven deadly sins, gluttony. But why? I'll tell you why. I have a theory.

Inside all of us there is a little fat kid waiting to come out. We manage to ignore him for most of the year with our crazy fad diets and our wild work out routines. But for some reason, we indulge our inner chub and let him run rampant. We give him the extra brownie a la mode. We take those seconds---maybe even thirds. We put a little extra butter on the... well... if your like me, you'll take extra butter on anything. You eat til you have unbutton your pants and lay in there in food coma heaven. But I realized, that we only eat around the holidays because there really isn't anything for us to do otherwise.

When I was a kid, I thought Thanksgiving was the worst. It was just close family. There were no other kids around besides my brother, who I was already sick of by that point since he was always around. Everyone had to comment on how tall we got and didn't skimp on the cheek pinching. No one understood how epic The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were. All anyone wanted to do was eat. It was the worst. The only prime discussion I got as a kid at Thanksgiving dinner is everyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas. This conversation was crucial... for about 5 to 9 years give or take. For in the two to three minutes that these conservations would last, I would have the faintest whisper of hope because that meant Christmas was not too far. At that time, to me, Christmas was just like my birthday, but EVERYONE got presents. (In other words, it was like my birthday, but not as special.) The older you get, the more you come to terms with Santa not being real and Christmas, therefore, being a sham of a holiday. You realize it's all for the kids.

That's when you indulge in what you got left during the holidays--the food. At first, you still don't really dig Thanksgiving, but you start to notice that hey, Christmas dinner isn't so bad. You got some succulent braised beef and some of that green bean almondine. Everyone's pulling out all the stops for ol' JC's day of birth. After awhile, you notice Thanksgiving and you end up liking that holiday more. There's more food on that day then Christmas. Christmas might as well be called Thanksgiving II because the only difference is that you sit around watching kids open presents and put in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Food is all you got left as an adult during the holidays.

So I guess what I am saying is, eat up. Screw the gym. Food is the real meaning of the holidays.