Fortune.
Power.
Underlings.
Who doesn't want that? If you say that you want none of the above, you are lying to yourself. Like most people, I've had a hand in my fair share of get-rich-quick schemes (buying and selling of rare beanie babies, selling human body parts on the black market, drug human trafficking, leaking celebrity sex tapes, etc), but I think it's time for me to take this to a whole new level. I want to be legit. Nay, I want to be too legit... too legit to quit as some would say. My name in lights, my face on the cover of magazines, my own clothing line at Wal-Mart Target, my own show which will eventually lead to a multimillion dollar movie/record deal, little 10-year-old girls to do my bidding---I want it all, baby. That's right kids, mama wants to be the next Disney superstar.
The kids upcoming talent that have associated themselves with Disney have had longevity in their careers and have a better crossover success rate when they move into their adult careers. Anybody who is relevant right this second probably has a tie to The Mouse. Well, at least 97% of anybody who is relevant.
Former Mouseketeer, Justin Timberlake is basically the King of Pop (That's right I said it. Back up, Kanye, you rap and do the hip hop. Leave the catchy songs and flashy dancing to JT.) Remember when you saw Disturbia and it was awkward when you started to find Shia "French for The Beef" LaBeouf attractive? That's probably because you kept thinking about how you wanted to make out with Louis Stevens and that's gross. From what I understand, Lindsay Lohan is doing...stuff... I guess. Miss Britney Spears made her come back. And you know that Zac Efron has taken over your home and your heart. (Advice: Watch 17 Again and thank me in the morning.) Other Disney alum include: JC Chasez, Keri Russell, The Duff, Miley, Ryan Gosling--the list goes on and on. Point is they all got their start on Disney and made it big. And yes, ABDC is a big deal.
Nowadays, the Disney Channel is where it is at. It is a farm for little tabloid mongers raw talent. Nickelodeon can suck it. Josh from Drake and Josh isn't even funny anymore since he isn't fat. Jamie-Lynn got all knocked up and Zoey 101 got a little bit awkward when everyone had to explain why little Zoey had to go away for nine months. No one on the Disney Channel got pregnant while their careers were at their peak. (Hey, Disney, I don't even believe in premarital sex. I have a promise ring and everything) The DC only has shows that build morals and instill values into today's youth in a comical wholesome family friendly way and I dig that. Oh and their one show kind of makes me want to be a wizard because that is kind of cool.
What's that you ask? Am I too old to be Disney's new little darling? Heck no (notice I didn't say "hell"). In fact, I'm at my prime. Four words: Ashley Tisdale, Fug Kevin Jonas. They both have their driver's licenses, can vote, and one of them is getting married or something. Well, whadaya know? I, too have a driver's license and can vote. The only reason why I'm not getting married is because I'm saving myself for Joe Jonas. Like many of their Disney cohorts, The Tiz and the oldest Jonas, are in their early 20's, like myself, and play high school kids on tv. Not only will Disney never have to worry about violating any child labor laws with me, they won't ever have to worry about any bad press for underage drinking either. Duh. I'm totally over 21. Plus, have you seen me? I look like I'm 17 years old. Second plus, I'm Asian, which means I'll look 17 years old until I'm say... I don't know... 97! It's a win-win for both parties.
Can I act? Can I act? I scoff at you. Let me let you in on a little known fact about me: I can cry on cue. I know. Not many people can do that anymore and I don't even have to go to my sad place to do that. Oh and you haven't seen comedic timing like mine since The Three Stooges, Lucille Ball, and Pauly Shore. That's right. I'm money. Once America sees my pouty face and puppy dog eyes, they'll be done. I'll own the audience and make them all my bitch. And I don't know if you knew this, but London Tipton from Suite Life... yeah, she's basically loosely based on me. Whatever. Not many people know and I don't like to brag. Why have the knock off, when you can have the real thing? (That's right, Brenda Song, I was totally directing that comment toward you.)
As far as nudey pic scandals go, I mean I'll do them when I need a little more buzz (cough... Vanessa Hudgens). I can take the heat. I have a cell phone and access to the internet. Just kidding. I've got nothing to hide. They're already on my Facebook page. Go ahead and comment on them. Once I'm the latest Disney sensation and this issue needs to be addressed, I'll just apologize and talk about how I never realized I was a role model until this very moment. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Cue the single tear rolling down my cheek. Then I lay low for while. Ba-da-bing-ba-da-boom. I've got more press than ever and I'm starring in a tween movie. I know the company protocol already and I can do my own PR.
Oh and I would totally be BFF with the Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus... but not when they are together since we all know they secretly hate each other. Can you say drama? I'd also be into dating a Jonas Brother for a little publicity. Joe's into the older ladies (rawr) and I'm kind of into Joe (just wanted to put that out there). Yes. I will become America's sweetheart and be one step closer to taking over the world. With nothing standing between me and my tween army except a foot of bullet proof glass in case some smart ass tries to stage a coup, I will rule with an iron fist and no one will stop me. (Insert evil laugh here.)
Now that I think about it, Disney needs me--almost more than I need them. I'm ready, willing and able, Disney. Just let me know when and where and I'll be there. Be sure to have my venti caramel macchiato with skim milk and a splash of whipped from Starbucks next to my contract in my trailer. I'll be there in 5. Thanks. :)
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