ATTENTION RACISTS: STFU & TASTE THE RAINBOW

I'm not a very sensitive person. Sure, I feel for the victims of tragedies, but at the same time I'm not one to dwell on them especially if I have no significant ties the situation. This sounds horrible, but it is the truth. Maybe it is because I have been raised in a sheltered environment. Maybe it is because the only tragedy I have ever faced involved my attendance at a 98 Degrees concert. It is just the way I am and I'm sure that I am not the only one.

Usually, I don't make a fuss over serious topics like the economy and politics. That's just not my style, but this one just hit a little too close to home for me. Today, at the University of Illinois Champaign, a message was found in a men's bathroom stall on campus threatening to kill Asian students on Monday, November 16th at Everitt Lab. That is this Monday. Yes, this can be just some dumb kid talking out of his ass, but the fact that this individual gave a specific date and location for this shooting, this is very serious. Not only is this sick, obscene, and ridiculous, but the threat is so real to me because that is where my little brother goes to school.

I didn't care that Joe Jonas and Miley Cyrus made Asian eyes in some photo. (Whatever. Little kids do that.) Nor did I care when Abercrombie and Fitch carried those racist shirts. In fact, I thought those shirts were kind of funny. Really, I am the last person to freak out about stupid things like that. A racist joke here. A stereotype there. Sure, we are all guilty of doing this and it is all in fun. But taking it so far as to threaten the lives of innocent people, let alone a specific race, is disgusting and uncalled for. For Christ's sake, it is the year 2009 and the fact that people out there that are still this ignorant is just appalling to me.

Even if this threat was a joke, it was not funny at all. This person seriously has a demented perception on life and deserves whatever is coming to them. Just the thought of killing innocent people and announcing it to the school like it is some sort of frat party is perverse in itself. It is just sick.

Anyone with information about the threats is asked to contact UIPD at 217.333.1216. If you would like to anonymously share anything that you know, please contact Champaign County Crimestoppers.

Kids at U of I: be careful and be safe.

I Wanna Drink 'Til I Can't Feelings No Mo.

Binge drinking--what a joy it brings to the youth of the world. It makes the meek strong and the strong invincible. Your perception of the world is clearer after you drink a beer or two. Everyone is a little more friendly and not to mention, a little better looking. A sensation known as the "warm fuzzies" consumes you. The more you drink, the warmer and fuzzier this feeling gets. Scientists believe that when these warm fuzzies are at there peak, you achieve confidence. With this new found confidence, you find the self you want to be--your inner Tyler Durden per say. This leads to dancing, awkward sexual advances, new friends, and an overall good time.

When you're young and a child of the night, there is nothing that can go wrong. Sure you don't remember everything, but you don't need to. It is all in good fun and the next day, you can do it all over again. No hang over. No aches or pains. No post-drinking regrets. Maybe you will swing by McDonald's and grab an Egg McMuffin if you wake up still slightly intoxicated. All things considered, when you are young, you're a fully functioning part of society after a long night of binge drinking.

This all sounds familiar right? Most of us partied with the best of them and then you get old. Those nights of reckless endangerment to our livers have gotten the best of us. I mean, yeah, you still get the warm and fuzzies, but you definitely pay for it afterward. After a long night, let alone a full weekend of drinking, you're grouchy and achy and looking for the antacid. The sun becomes the Devil in the morning and burns through your comforter and pierces your retina forcing you to wake up and feel the shame of old age. Every part of you is sore and you look like you death, but still better than Kristen Stewart because she's just haggard.

Oh, and remember how awful it was the first few times when you got drunk because you didn't know better so you always drank too much, and vomited everything that you ate that day, but then it stops because you realize how much you can drink without getting sick? Yeah, after a while, you start to drink less and less because you have more responsibilities for being an adult. Apparently, being a grown up means you can't always have fun when you want to. (The word, adult, is acutually Finnish for boring responsible person who goes to bed early, I think, but don't quote me on that.) Anyways, you forget that you can only imbibe so much alcohol and you go overboard. Thus, your body regresses to the stages of your freshman year of college but to the infinity power, which basically means instead of throwing up what you had that day for a couple hours, you turn into The Exorcist and upchuck everything you had in the past month. Not cute.

I guess, there is a set period of time in your life where your able to party hardy every night of the week and then function normally the next morning, but there is no warning to when that time ends. So, I'm telling you as my peers, colleagues, and friends, heed my warning. Alcoholic beverages are all fun and games for the evening, but apparently, you feel like death the next day.

Well done, Alcohol. You may have won this battle, but consider this war. I've only learned my lesson... this time. (Insert shifty eyes here.)

(Note: If you would like to imagine what I sound like after this weekends festivities, please re-read the blog as Peter Brady going through puberty.)

I'll Bet Living in a Nudist Colony Takes All the Fun Out of Halloween

At age 9, I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. I found red lipstick on the glass of milk I had left out for him that Christmas Eve to wash down the chocolate chip cookies I had left for him. The innocence of my childhood was shattered at that very moment. From that point on, I knew it was just my mother and father behind every major figure of my childhood and I made sure that they knew about it.

When Christmas rolled around again, instead of writing a letter to Santa, I addressed my mother and referred to my father as the reindeer. Every time I lost a tooth, I asked her for the money instead of putting it underneath my pillow for the Tooth Fairy. Come Easter, I was picking out every item that was to go in my basket because I knew that the whole Easter Bunny thing was garbage. As I grew older, my parents grew tired of my smart aleck nonsense. Needless to say, I became less and less enthused about the holidays. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, even weddings, graduations, and birthdays were definitely not my cup of tea. Though there is one holiday in particular that grew on me as I became older, and that, my friends, is Halloween.

I wasn't into dressing up for Halloween in my teen years, but as soon as I turned 21, I discovered the liberty that alcohol brought when you are in a costume. I've dressed up as everything from Laura Croft to a sexy Leonidas (sans the beard, of course) and Batman (not Batgirl because she is lame). To this day, I don't fully remember exactly what happened on a Halloween weekend. However, there was a lot of photographic evidence that proves that I had a lot of fun. It is the one weekend of the year that you can let go of your inhibitions and be anyone that you want to be. Best of all, no one can take that away from you.

No one has any responsibilities on Halloween. There are no family obligations tied to this wonderful holiday. There is no Halloween dinner to be at at on time and there are no presents to be exchanged. You will never come home to find out Halloween is not real. Your parents can never suck the joy out because you will be with your friends balls deep in jello shots. No one will never be too old to celebrate this fine holiday. Anything goes on Halloween.

Think about it, instead of candy, you get booze. Instead of handing out candy, you get drunk. No one is ever too old to wear a costume. If you don't want to wear pants that day, you don't have to. Want to make out with a penguin? Do it because you know someone will be wearing a penguin suit. No one will judge you. In fact, every one is friends on Halloween. It's the law. And did I mention you can drink... a lot... in a costume? For some reason, beyond me, getting belligerent in a costume, is always better than getting drunk in civilian clothing. I think it's science.

Remeber, if you are coherent, you're not celebrating the spirit of Ol' Hallow's Eve hard enough. So, get drunk and be merry. Get crazy and have fun. I better see some vomit on the sidewalks (that isn't my own). :)

Happy Halloween, kids.

Kim Zociak: Role Model to Women Everywhere

Dear Kim Zolciak,

Why you have not received the Mother of the Year award is beyond me. From nurse and stripper waitress to up-and-coming country pop diva, you are basically the next Taylor Swift--if Taylor Swift were a 42-year-old chain-smoking homewrecker. When you are not at home smoking at the dinner table and making your kids sleep in your bed (even though they are between the ages of nine and thirteen), you are firing the help for running to the store to buy tampons and spending over $3400 in kid clothes at some jank version of the Kardashian's store, Smooch and the rip off of Limited Too, Justice. You've gotta spend it like you got it, right?

As a mother, you teach your daughters the importance of being "damn good looking". You have it all: huge fake ta-ta's, a sweet porn star weave wig (which you allegedly spend $1100 a day on), and you are never tardy for the party. Not to mention, a married man who pays for every little thing you want and that you think you are engaged to. I know that most people frown upon you being an adultress and all, but I think that they are just jealous. You have morals too. When you and Big Poppa aren't on a break, your skirts cover your ass more and your boobs aren't hanging out as much. You truly are a class act. I mean, if I were one of your daughters, I would want to be just like you too.

Now, this may just be the excessive botox and restilin working their magic, but you always have your game face on (and a glazed over look in your eyes). You never let anyone keep you down. When you thought Nene and Sheree were going to beat the mess out of you, you brought your helmet to the five star restaurant you were at. No big deal. Miss Zolciak, you are crafty... like a fox. You are also an entreprenuer. Sure, you're making that little man in tight pants and heels make all your weaves, but hey, that's just all the hard labor. You work it for the money to make your dreams come true. And yeah, Kandi and her producers had to totally rework your vocals to sound like that you were remotely in tune, but whatever, "Tardy for the Party" is kicking ass on the charts. Get it, girl.

Personally, I think that you are a great hero for women everywhere. As a reality television icon, you are a reflection of a real woman--a single mom trying to make a living and provide for her family. Yes, you get by on your boobs and slutty-ness, but that only makes you the anti-thesis of the whole women's suffrage movement fiasco. I mean, if you can suck it in and stick 'em out, more power to you, heffer.


Sincerely,

-(idk my bff) Kim