What a Girl Doesn't Want.

Christmas is upon us and for those of us with significant others are facing that biannual problem of what to get them. Let me just say, it is way easier for a girl to shop for their boyfriend because to be honest, we listen and plus, that's what we do all year. He's obsessed with his X-BOX---BAM! You get them the video game he won't shut up about. His favorite band is on tour. You get him tickets. For some reason, his closet is full of metallic shirts (sorry, I had to :P). You remind him he's not a Persian nightclub owner and buy him clothes. Easy, right?

Between the all football and basketball games that seem to always be on, a girl is lucky when their boyfriend even notices that she is even the same room. That being said, boys, you have no idea what to get your girlfriends and since there are few weeks until Christmas, I figured I can give you a little gift guide on what not to get them when you go shopping on Christmas Eve. I mean, Christmas is about giving and being happy. You don't want her to have that awkward look on her face and have her pretend she loves the bowling ball you got her, right, Homer?

Tool Set. It doesn't matter if they are pink. It doesn't even matter if the tools are covered in glitter. Unless she's bigger than you, wears a lot of flannel and steel boots, and rocks a mullet while she is scissoring her best friend, Bertha, this is definitely not a good idea. I'm all for girl power and fixing stuff, but you're her boyfriend. If she needs something major fixed, she will probably call you to do it. Girls, no matter how independent, will not need 8 different kinds of screw drivers for anything. Trust me.

Video Games. Though video games are definitely among the most popular gifts of the season, they are the most popular amongst boys ages 11-23. So, unless you're girlfriend is a prepubescent boy, which for your sake, I hope she is not, then you probably shouldn't get her video games. Yeah, she may like playing them. So what if she has her own video game console? Unless she specifically says, "Babe, I really want that Arkham Asylum game that all the kids are playing", don't do it. It's just not a good idea because she probably wants something a little more sentimental and from the heart.

Anything from Spencer's Gifts. Trust me on this. Your girlfriend will not appreciate the farting frog or the dog that humps your leg. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even crack a smile if you got her a novelty shirt that said: Female Bikini Inspector. Though you may find it hilarious, she may not. In fact, I know she will not.

Clothes. You think you know what your girlfriend would look good in. You want her in something skin tight that shows off her amazing body and makes her boobs stick out, right? That's really not how this whole shopping process works. Your girlfriend looks good in the clothes she wears because she meticulously picks them out. You know how you dread going shopping with her because she spends hours and hours in one store? That's because she knows what she likes and what she would look good in. Plus, this will most likely make a turn for the worst. If you get her clothes that are too big or too small, you will be asked relentlessly if you think she is fat. Unless, you consult her gay best friend (and by consult, I mean, have him pick out the clothes), you are S.O.L.

Weighing Scale/Magnifying Mirror. By nature, all women are a little insecure. No matter how confident a girl is, she has at least one thing she doesn't like about herself. There is no better way to get her to scruntinize her every flaw by making her realize that she's got a fat ass and pores that are more vast than the Grand Canyon. Avoid these items at all costs. It will definitely send the wrong message and it will prevent World War III.

Gift Cards/Money. Though this requires little thought and could definitely get her something she wants, you don't get a girl a gift card. You're not her uncle. We all learned this from Seinfeld.

Crotch-less/Ass-less Anything. Really? I mean, really? What you guys are into behind closed doors is your business. However, if she can't tell her mother what you got her for Christmas it's probably inappropriate and definitely, more of a present for you. You don't want her parents to know you're a skeevy perv even if she is into it. On that note...

Charitable Donation in Her Name. Unless, she is a trifling good for nothing hippy, this gift is retarded. You're supposed to get her something she wants for Christmas and more often than not, this something you are supposed to get her needs to be tangible (and if you want to score bonus points, sparkly*). She doesn't give a crap about the damn polar bears or the environment. The generous amount of money that you use for this load of hippy nonsense could be used toward something useful to her like a designer purse or jewelry. Oh and do not have anything named after her: a star, a highway, any kind of animal... That's just stupid. (*Note: To be clear, when I say "sparkly", I mean jewelry. Don't go out and have a star named after your lady friend, especially if you live in a metropolitan area, who's skies are filled with that sweet sweet pollution.)

Herpes. ...Or any other STD. She probably doesn't want an STD for Christmas and if you gave it to her, I'm not a fortune teller or anything, but I'm 99.9% sure that a fight would ensue and you would definitely have some explaining to do.

If you have any more gift ideas, this should put the kibosh on that. Really though, you should definitely get her something that you think that she would want, not what you would want. Oh and most of all, do not listen to your friends' suggestions... especially if your girlfriend tells you what she wants to make your life easier, you should probably listen to her (she probably sent you pictures of exactly what she wants).

Oh, and you're welcome.