Teenagers Scare the Living Mess Out of Me.

Dear Youth of America,

I think I'm speaking on behalf of, oh, the world when I say, you all suck. What the hell is wrong with you? You're all a bunch of not-quite-hipster, emo kids obsessed with glittery vampires and Justin Bieber. You all have these mood swings and tempter tantrums like you're all kindergartners who have the ability to form proper sentences.  With your gender bending tight pants, your Hot Topic, and the irony of your "individuality" (since you look like every other 15-year-old wielding mommy and daddy's credit card), you think you run this joint we call the world. You looove your weirdly angled photos, which can be seen on whatever social networking site with too much eyeliner and too much hairspray in your fashion mullets.

Between the garbage on MTV telling me you're all 16 and Pregnant and that you want to be Made into God knows what, I don't understand your generation. One second, you are all having your mom drive you to the mall because you are into the Hot Topic goth scene and flocking retardly (that's right I made up a word) to see this Twilight. The next, you all love the Taylor Swift and the recycling. Then I turn my back and you're knocked up and dropping out of school. It's like all of you were raised by a hippy Elvira and Billy Ray Cyrus.

And don't you roll your eyes at me like I was never a damn teenager. Been there. Done that. I've been in your store-bought worn out Chuck T's and last I checked, I wasn't this obnoxious nor were any of my friends. It's probably because in my day, we had a little something called discipline. When we turned 16, we got jobs and learned the value of the almighty dollar and we had structure in our lives, which is lacking in today's youth. You turn 16 today, you swipe few dollar bills from granny's purse and you buy the cocaine and get huff glue. It blows my mind because my generation had to huff what was around the house. Kids today are all about that "rock and roll" and this "hip hop". I mean, this is the only thing leading to the premarital sex and vampire fascination with the hippy undertones. (I hate hippies.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is: please ask for your parents consent to get spayed or neutered right now. We don't need a more asinine generation to follow... or 27-year-old grandparents.

Warm Regards,

(idk my bff) KIM

Take a Shower, Kristen Stewart.

Dear Kristen Stewart,

From what I hear, apparently, you poop roses. Good for you. I know everyone thinks you're real cool, but I don't get it. I mean enjoy looking pissed off and annoyed as much the next person, but everyone knows there is a time and a place for that (i.e. the bar, the street, McDonald's, when homeless people ask for change, Chuck E. Cheese, etcetera). You, KStew, take it to a whole new level. You walk around like you live such a hard movie star life. You just want everyone to feel bad for you and say, "There goes that poor Kristen Stewart. You know, she's starring in this big epic tween movie extravaganza, but, man, she can't even afford to take a shower. I bet her life is real hard." I mean, you look like you hate everything about what you do and that you're pissed off. Oh, this just in: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT.

I saw this Twilight movie just like everyone else. It was OK. For the record, it was definitely not as awesome as True Blood. The only thing I didn't get about the movie was why this shiny, glimmery vampire was into you. I mean, you're not ugly, but you're also not anything particularly special. Would it hurt to slap on some mascara and a little rouge? Why don't you comb the hair a little and maybe smile every once in a while. Not to push it or anything, but you could probably use a shower or even wash your clothes. You kind of look like you smell. Little self-improvements are better than nothing. We gotta work with what you got. Let's face it, you're no Sookie Stackhouse and your stupid vampire doesn't even speak Swedish or whatever like one Eric Northman.

How you get guys like, Robert Pattinson, Michael Angarano, and Steven Strait, is beyond me. They... well, for the most part, look pretty put together. Robert looks like a dirty vampire even when he isn't filming for the movie and it kind of freaks me out. From what I hear on the grape vine, you're rude and nasty in person and I can't say I'm not surprised. If I looked like I was homeless, I'd be rude and nasty too.  Are guys into that? Or is it just broody actor-types? I don't know. I always thought it was only okay to be rude and nasty if you were cute and as I've already stated, you're not all that and a bag of potato chips and sometimes you look like a boy.

Point is, you're supposed to be this fancy movie star and people put you on this pedestal for whatever reason. Some people think you're so awesome and say you're this girl-next-door-type? You look more like this girl-next-door's socially awkward cousin from Wisconsin and no good ever comes from Wisconsin. Everybody knows that (except people from Wisconsin, for some reason they think they're all high and mighty). 

Call me old fashioned, but girls are supposed to be pretty. If you're not naturally pretty, do something about it so that people think you are. I mean, my mother would never let me out of the house looking the way you do and I'm not even famous. And there you are, wherever I look, on every single magazine cover as far as the eye can see all disheveled and weird. Have you no respect for yourself? Be a lady. Just shower... at least once a day. Please? Do it for the kids.

Hope you heed my advice.


Cheers (because I know you love the underage drinking the kids are into),

(idk my bff) KIM

P.S. You really do kind of look like you smell.

Eric Northman, Be My Maker

Dear Eric Northman,

This may not be the time or the place since you are dealing with the loss of Godric (who was very bad ass if I may say so), but please be my maker. I think that I would make a kick ass vampire minion. I wouldn't even drink True Blood because if I'm going to be a vampire, I sure as hell will not half ass it and drink synthetic crap. If it helps, I already own a pair of leather pants, so I will fit right into your nest and if you want to move this vampire craze up north, I will be more than happy to be the sheriff of whatever area Chicago is.

I want you to be my maker because you have power. Power is hot. Even if you weren't Sherriff of Area 5, you would still own Fangtasia, which means you have ambition and drive since you are an entreprenuer. It is also very important to me that you are my maker because you answer to no man and I like that because I hate authority (F the police... yeah, I said it, WHAT?).

Also, you are so much cooler than those TWILIGHT nobodies. They're all virginal and too scared to suck blood. If Edward Cullen were my maker I would die. He's so sensitive and always wants to talk about feelings. I know that you can be sensitive too, but I like that you are more about business time... if you know what I mean (insert cat noise here). And even though I like glitter, I'm glad you don't get all shiny in the light. That's a little too flamboyant... even for a vampire.

Bill is cool and all, but I would rather have you be my maker because you are so much more broody and mysterious. He's all pastier than a normal vampire and all about doing the right thing. I'm more for ripping people apart and trying to not get blood in my highlights. So hot. Also, you seem to have Pam in check and I like that. Mr. Compton doesn't even know what to do with Jessica.

Speaking of Pam, I like her and all, but I would do whatever you wanted without question. I wouldn't care if I ruined my favorite pumps. If you were my maker, I wouldn't even think and just do because like you said, there is no bond stronger than that between a vampire and his maker. ;)

Unlike Sookie, I don't even need to drink any of your blood to be attracted to you. Hell, I don't even need to be glamoured. To be honest, I wasn't even attracted to you until you got hair cut because I really wasn't feeling you with long hair and I'm not a fan of blonds. But your so tall and broody. And I like that your not afraid to cry.

If you do not want to be my maker, that is cool. I can be your human pet, whatever. You're just way hot and if it were possible, I would like have your babies. Too bad we cannot procreate. Our babies would be pure sex. :)

Anyways, I hope you think about being my maker. We could rule the world, Eric Northman, and it would be sweet.

Love Always,

(idk my bff) Kim