Television: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover.

For many, autumn brings new beginnings. I mean, sure, it's a little colder and the year is coming to an end, but come on, the Fall is about new starts. The kiddies are headed back to school. Those crazy undergrads are shacking up in the dorms and getting lost in the city. Some freshmen are even taking their first underage sips of beer as we speak. After all, it is the beginning of football season. And although we say bid a sweet adieu to the foliage and the days become shorter, we welcome the brand spanking new seasons of our favorite shows.

Let's go through my personal MUST SEE TV list for the week, shall we?

To get through the doldrums that we call Monday, I like to start off with a little bit of Heroes (8 EST/7 CST), which just had its two-hour premiere today. No spoilers please. I only watched half of it since I had to catch my Upper East Siders on Gossip Girl (9 EST/8 CST). I mean, WWBWD (What Would Blair Waldorf Do)? I couldn't miss their first day of college! Come on! Then I like to top off my night at 9 PM, with a little Rachel Zoe Project (which I'm currently watching right now and decided that I need a huge furry vest. I wonder if I would be able to rock it at work... Andrea?).

Tuesdays are dead to me. Nothing is on. So they can be your free day. Personally, Tuesdays are my gym day and more times than not, my weeknight bar night. Or if I'm feeling crazy, I catch up on my Netflix. Nothing is worth it on Tuesdays unless of course, they decide to have Nip/Tuck's final season then, but we don't have to worry about that until January this just in, the show starts October 14th, which makes it only add to the Wednesday goodness. And sorry guys, 90210 is crap and nothing like the original. I don't know about you, but I like my high school kids played by people well in their 30's. (Luke Perry forever!)
As for Hump Day, I really don't care for anything until 8 PM CST because let's be real all that matters on Wednesday night is Glee. It's is basically the funniest show on TV. And even though I'm hopelessly devoted to Eric Northman, but I have to say, I'm hot for teacher, Will Schuester. He's pretty sexy in the Acafellas episode. Everyone on the show is ridiculously talented, but when you hear Mr. Schuester sing to you, you automatically revert into a twelve-year-old girl at an NSYNC concert again. That's how good he is. (Update: Fox just picked up Glee for a full season. Told you it was that good.)

And what's not on Thursdays? In the prime time slot, it's a total NBC take over. Parks and Recreation at 7:30 PM, followed by The Office and the new show starring Joel McHale, Community. Loves it. But the fun doesn't stop there. You go ahead and put on FX for your double dose of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I mean, if you're not familiar, it is also known as the best comedy show of all time. There's something about four a-holes that own a bar with Danny DeVito that just equals hilarity. Since that is on at 9 PM CST, it is absolutely necessary to keep the crass going and take a hot second and tune into the encore of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, everyone's guilty pleasure. I don't know about you, but I want to Nene Leakes when I grow up.

Just because the combo of It's Always Sunny and The Real Housewives is just too magnificent, I need to take Friday and Saturday off. After all, I am in my twenties and do like to catch some sort of roof on fire and not allow water to dowse its flame so it burns or whatever the kids say nowadays. But after a long weekend of partying, I like to have a very lazy Sunday with my VH1 reality shows (Tool Academy 2, My Antonio, Real Chance of Love re-runs) in the morning since I know that more likely than not, my television will be dominated by something called football (not that I'm complaining or anything). At night, it's all about HBO's fine evening programming. Maybe I'll catch a little Curb Your Enthusiasm since True Blood is done for the year. And I've been meaning to catch Bored to Death with Jason Schwartzman. It looks interesting, but I could totally be wrong. (Thoughts anyone?)

Elizabeth Lawrence once said that in Autumn "[E]veryone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn." Little did she know, that we have to take the time to sit and watch tv since we were blessed with an amazing Fall line-up. God bless the boob tube.
And th-th-that's all folks. (Sorry I had to.)

Take a Shower, Kristen Stewart.

Dear Kristen Stewart,

From what I hear, apparently, you poop roses. Good for you. I know everyone thinks you're real cool, but I don't get it. I mean enjoy looking pissed off and annoyed as much the next person, but everyone knows there is a time and a place for that (i.e. the bar, the street, McDonald's, when homeless people ask for change, Chuck E. Cheese, etcetera). You, KStew, take it to a whole new level. You walk around like you live such a hard movie star life. You just want everyone to feel bad for you and say, "There goes that poor Kristen Stewart. You know, she's starring in this big epic tween movie extravaganza, but, man, she can't even afford to take a shower. I bet her life is real hard." I mean, you look like you hate everything about what you do and that you're pissed off. Oh, this just in: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT.

I saw this Twilight movie just like everyone else. It was OK. For the record, it was definitely not as awesome as True Blood. The only thing I didn't get about the movie was why this shiny, glimmery vampire was into you. I mean, you're not ugly, but you're also not anything particularly special. Would it hurt to slap on some mascara and a little rouge? Why don't you comb the hair a little and maybe smile every once in a while. Not to push it or anything, but you could probably use a shower or even wash your clothes. You kind of look like you smell. Little self-improvements are better than nothing. We gotta work with what you got. Let's face it, you're no Sookie Stackhouse and your stupid vampire doesn't even speak Swedish or whatever like one Eric Northman.

How you get guys like, Robert Pattinson, Michael Angarano, and Steven Strait, is beyond me. They... well, for the most part, look pretty put together. Robert looks like a dirty vampire even when he isn't filming for the movie and it kind of freaks me out. From what I hear on the grape vine, you're rude and nasty in person and I can't say I'm not surprised. If I looked like I was homeless, I'd be rude and nasty too.  Are guys into that? Or is it just broody actor-types? I don't know. I always thought it was only okay to be rude and nasty if you were cute and as I've already stated, you're not all that and a bag of potato chips and sometimes you look like a boy.

Point is, you're supposed to be this fancy movie star and people put you on this pedestal for whatever reason. Some people think you're so awesome and say you're this girl-next-door-type? You look more like this girl-next-door's socially awkward cousin from Wisconsin and no good ever comes from Wisconsin. Everybody knows that (except people from Wisconsin, for some reason they think they're all high and mighty). 

Call me old fashioned, but girls are supposed to be pretty. If you're not naturally pretty, do something about it so that people think you are. I mean, my mother would never let me out of the house looking the way you do and I'm not even famous. And there you are, wherever I look, on every single magazine cover as far as the eye can see all disheveled and weird. Have you no respect for yourself? Be a lady. Just shower... at least once a day. Please? Do it for the kids.

Hope you heed my advice.


Cheers (because I know you love the underage drinking the kids are into),

(idk my bff) KIM

P.S. You really do kind of look like you smell.

Eric Northman, Be My Maker

Dear Eric Northman,

This may not be the time or the place since you are dealing with the loss of Godric (who was very bad ass if I may say so), but please be my maker. I think that I would make a kick ass vampire minion. I wouldn't even drink True Blood because if I'm going to be a vampire, I sure as hell will not half ass it and drink synthetic crap. If it helps, I already own a pair of leather pants, so I will fit right into your nest and if you want to move this vampire craze up north, I will be more than happy to be the sheriff of whatever area Chicago is.

I want you to be my maker because you have power. Power is hot. Even if you weren't Sherriff of Area 5, you would still own Fangtasia, which means you have ambition and drive since you are an entreprenuer. It is also very important to me that you are my maker because you answer to no man and I like that because I hate authority (F the police... yeah, I said it, WHAT?).

Also, you are so much cooler than those TWILIGHT nobodies. They're all virginal and too scared to suck blood. If Edward Cullen were my maker I would die. He's so sensitive and always wants to talk about feelings. I know that you can be sensitive too, but I like that you are more about business time... if you know what I mean (insert cat noise here). And even though I like glitter, I'm glad you don't get all shiny in the light. That's a little too flamboyant... even for a vampire.

Bill is cool and all, but I would rather have you be my maker because you are so much more broody and mysterious. He's all pastier than a normal vampire and all about doing the right thing. I'm more for ripping people apart and trying to not get blood in my highlights. So hot. Also, you seem to have Pam in check and I like that. Mr. Compton doesn't even know what to do with Jessica.

Speaking of Pam, I like her and all, but I would do whatever you wanted without question. I wouldn't care if I ruined my favorite pumps. If you were my maker, I wouldn't even think and just do because like you said, there is no bond stronger than that between a vampire and his maker. ;)

Unlike Sookie, I don't even need to drink any of your blood to be attracted to you. Hell, I don't even need to be glamoured. To be honest, I wasn't even attracted to you until you got hair cut because I really wasn't feeling you with long hair and I'm not a fan of blonds. But your so tall and broody. And I like that your not afraid to cry.

If you do not want to be my maker, that is cool. I can be your human pet, whatever. You're just way hot and if it were possible, I would like have your babies. Too bad we cannot procreate. Our babies would be pure sex. :)

Anyways, I hope you think about being my maker. We could rule the world, Eric Northman, and it would be sweet.

Love Always,

(idk my bff) Kim