Take a Shower, Kristen Stewart.

Dear Kristen Stewart,

From what I hear, apparently, you poop roses. Good for you. I know everyone thinks you're real cool, but I don't get it. I mean enjoy looking pissed off and annoyed as much the next person, but everyone knows there is a time and a place for that (i.e. the bar, the street, McDonald's, when homeless people ask for change, Chuck E. Cheese, etcetera). You, KStew, take it to a whole new level. You walk around like you live such a hard movie star life. You just want everyone to feel bad for you and say, "There goes that poor Kristen Stewart. You know, she's starring in this big epic tween movie extravaganza, but, man, she can't even afford to take a shower. I bet her life is real hard." I mean, you look like you hate everything about what you do and that you're pissed off. Oh, this just in: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT.

I saw this Twilight movie just like everyone else. It was OK. For the record, it was definitely not as awesome as True Blood. The only thing I didn't get about the movie was why this shiny, glimmery vampire was into you. I mean, you're not ugly, but you're also not anything particularly special. Would it hurt to slap on some mascara and a little rouge? Why don't you comb the hair a little and maybe smile every once in a while. Not to push it or anything, but you could probably use a shower or even wash your clothes. You kind of look like you smell. Little self-improvements are better than nothing. We gotta work with what you got. Let's face it, you're no Sookie Stackhouse and your stupid vampire doesn't even speak Swedish or whatever like one Eric Northman.

How you get guys like, Robert Pattinson, Michael Angarano, and Steven Strait, is beyond me. They... well, for the most part, look pretty put together. Robert looks like a dirty vampire even when he isn't filming for the movie and it kind of freaks me out. From what I hear on the grape vine, you're rude and nasty in person and I can't say I'm not surprised. If I looked like I was homeless, I'd be rude and nasty too.  Are guys into that? Or is it just broody actor-types? I don't know. I always thought it was only okay to be rude and nasty if you were cute and as I've already stated, you're not all that and a bag of potato chips and sometimes you look like a boy.

Point is, you're supposed to be this fancy movie star and people put you on this pedestal for whatever reason. Some people think you're so awesome and say you're this girl-next-door-type? You look more like this girl-next-door's socially awkward cousin from Wisconsin and no good ever comes from Wisconsin. Everybody knows that (except people from Wisconsin, for some reason they think they're all high and mighty). 

Call me old fashioned, but girls are supposed to be pretty. If you're not naturally pretty, do something about it so that people think you are. I mean, my mother would never let me out of the house looking the way you do and I'm not even famous. And there you are, wherever I look, on every single magazine cover as far as the eye can see all disheveled and weird. Have you no respect for yourself? Be a lady. Just shower... at least once a day. Please? Do it for the kids.

Hope you heed my advice.


Cheers (because I know you love the underage drinking the kids are into),

(idk my bff) KIM

P.S. You really do kind of look like you smell.