This Valentine's Day Give Her Herpes... It'll Last Forever.

Joyce Brothers once said, "No matter how love sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along." This couldn't be proven to be more true on Valentine's Day. How many valentines have you gone through in your life? I know I've been through a few. All a guy needs to do is give you flowers, take you to dinner, and tell you that you're beautiful. Sounds pretty simple, right? Wrong. For some reason, it never turns out this way--at least for me. Since the dawn of my dating career, I have been doomed to have the worst valentines ever.

I had my first real valentine when I was 15-years-old. At this point, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to date, so I kept it a secret and for the most part it was a relationship of convenience. He was old enough to pick me up from school and I didn't like taking the rape van my high school called a bus home, so I stuck it out for a little bit (And by "a little bit" I mean five years! WOOF!). Anyways, I ended up sneaking my much older boyfriend into my house after school when no one was home. We exchanged presents. He got me some sort of stuffed animal and a flower and I stole some visor from the mall (I really didn't care to spend money on him). Blah blah blah. My mother came home early from work and it got awkward. Knowing she wouldn't approve of my male guest, I had to think fast. My best idea at the time: he had to escape through my window. Throughout my high school career, I would become infamous for this. So much so that my mother found it necessary to rearrange my room in way that prevented me from accessing my window.

This is bad, but it gets worse...

Freshman year of college, I found out I had to get all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mother decides to schedule my oral surgery the morning of Valentine's Day. Groggy from the anesthesia, I felt like I was drunk/roofied for the majority of the day. Since my face was all swollen and my mouth was numb my mom decided that I be bedridden. My date that evening shows up and I'm still in my pajamas. He obviously couldn't take me out so we stayed at my parent's house, which was weird because hated him since, they found him under my bed a few times. I spent the rest of the evening watching The Notebook with Ramen noodles dribbling off my face and onto my Justin Timberlake t-shirt.

Kind of embarrassing, but given the circumstance... still really awkward.

Sophomore year, I started seeing a sophisticated upperclassmen while I was still technically dating my aforementioned boyfriend. He had recently moved to Florida, and I didn't want to make it work. I decided to tell him that I wanted to break on up with him the night before Valentine's Day. Relieved and thought to be in the clear, I finalized plans with the new boy for the big day and went to bed without a care in the world. Early the very next morning, I am bombarded with text messages from my ex-boyfriend telling me he is on his way to my dorm. Remember, how I said that he had recently moved to Florida? Yeah, I went to Loyola University in Chicago. He decided to take the first flight out of Florida and surprise me at my dorm. I know what your thinking and no, it was not romantic.

After grabbing all of my things, I staked out at my friends house across campus all morning and spent most of my day in class downtown without being seen. My ex-boyfriend spent the day in the lobby of my dorm from about 8 AM to 6 PM. He texted and called me all day crying and wanting to fix things. I remember him refusing to leave until he saw me in person so I could at least accept the flowers he got me. Since I didn't want to see him and had to get ready for my date, I had one of my G.P. (gay posse) go down there, get the flowers and kick him out. (Thank God for the gays.) Thankfully, he left and I made it back to my dorm just in time to get ready for my date.

Luckily, my regularly bitchy roommate was understanding/had a date with her one-eared man friend (a story for another time) and left our room so I could be alone with my date. He was a little put off by all the flowers in my room (my roommate and I also got some from my G.P. and some of our girlfriends). I told him everything that happened that day and he was really sweet about it. He also got me flowers (yes, they were nicer than what my ex had gotten me) and had a message written in binary code (Shut up! He was Computer Science major!), which I had to translate into English since he had it written in Tagalog. The note said: Will you be mine? (Aww.) It would've all been super sweet, but I was put off when he decided he told me he still had his "flower". Things got weird. We only dated for a few more weeks.

It was a pretty hectic day.

Going into Valentine's Day my junior year, I had an amazing boyfriend (at least I thought so at the time). He was much older than all of my other boyfriends and we had so much fun together. Blindly, I thought that this was it. I was wrong--so very, very wrong. (I'll probably explain why in a future post.) Anyways, he decides to tell me that he doesn't believe in giving a girl flowers or candy on Valentine's Day and for some reason, I accepted that. Instead, he booked a room at the Drake for us. I thought this was great since I had never been there before.

We get to the hotel and I thought it was fabulous. Everything was very rococo and old fashioned. I just wanted to relax in our fancy room. He didn't, but obliged and decided to eat some of the chocolate I got him. This guy was a choco-holic to the extreme, which is fine, except that chocolate made him gassy--and not just a little gassy. When this guy farted, it smelled like he had a dead skunk inside of him and its remnants came out of his ass through a rotten onion and poopy baby diaper scented air diffuser. Now that you have way too much information about that, I was taking a nap and he wanted to wake me up because he was bored. Now, there was a number of ways he could have woken me up, but he decided to wake me up by putting his hairy pasty ass in my face and farting.

The stench that came out of him was so wretched that I started tearing as soon as it hit my face. I screamed and pushed him away from me. He thought it was hilarious and I wanted to kill him. I was livid. I had to take a shower in order to feel clean again. The rest of our stay was awkward since I would not speak to him. Worst. Valentine's. Day. Ever.

Needless to say, this was bad, real bad, Michael Jackson.

Hearts, flowers, candy, and a baby shooting you in the ass so you fall in love? Poor marketing and an endorsement for child labor? That's all you got, Valentine's Day? To be honest, I'm not impressed. None of that truly embodies the actual chaos that ensues on this stupid day where you are obliged to celebrate this stupid thing we call "love".

On that note, Happy Valentine's Day! :)

What a Girl Doesn't Want.

Christmas is upon us and for those of us with significant others are facing that biannual problem of what to get them. Let me just say, it is way easier for a girl to shop for their boyfriend because to be honest, we listen and plus, that's what we do all year. He's obsessed with his X-BOX---BAM! You get them the video game he won't shut up about. His favorite band is on tour. You get him tickets. For some reason, his closet is full of metallic shirts (sorry, I had to :P). You remind him he's not a Persian nightclub owner and buy him clothes. Easy, right?

Between the all football and basketball games that seem to always be on, a girl is lucky when their boyfriend even notices that she is even the same room. That being said, boys, you have no idea what to get your girlfriends and since there are few weeks until Christmas, I figured I can give you a little gift guide on what not to get them when you go shopping on Christmas Eve. I mean, Christmas is about giving and being happy. You don't want her to have that awkward look on her face and have her pretend she loves the bowling ball you got her, right, Homer?

Tool Set. It doesn't matter if they are pink. It doesn't even matter if the tools are covered in glitter. Unless she's bigger than you, wears a lot of flannel and steel boots, and rocks a mullet while she is scissoring her best friend, Bertha, this is definitely not a good idea. I'm all for girl power and fixing stuff, but you're her boyfriend. If she needs something major fixed, she will probably call you to do it. Girls, no matter how independent, will not need 8 different kinds of screw drivers for anything. Trust me.

Video Games. Though video games are definitely among the most popular gifts of the season, they are the most popular amongst boys ages 11-23. So, unless you're girlfriend is a prepubescent boy, which for your sake, I hope she is not, then you probably shouldn't get her video games. Yeah, she may like playing them. So what if she has her own video game console? Unless she specifically says, "Babe, I really want that Arkham Asylum game that all the kids are playing", don't do it. It's just not a good idea because she probably wants something a little more sentimental and from the heart.

Anything from Spencer's Gifts. Trust me on this. Your girlfriend will not appreciate the farting frog or the dog that humps your leg. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even crack a smile if you got her a novelty shirt that said: Female Bikini Inspector. Though you may find it hilarious, she may not. In fact, I know she will not.

Clothes. You think you know what your girlfriend would look good in. You want her in something skin tight that shows off her amazing body and makes her boobs stick out, right? That's really not how this whole shopping process works. Your girlfriend looks good in the clothes she wears because she meticulously picks them out. You know how you dread going shopping with her because she spends hours and hours in one store? That's because she knows what she likes and what she would look good in. Plus, this will most likely make a turn for the worst. If you get her clothes that are too big or too small, you will be asked relentlessly if you think she is fat. Unless, you consult her gay best friend (and by consult, I mean, have him pick out the clothes), you are S.O.L.

Weighing Scale/Magnifying Mirror. By nature, all women are a little insecure. No matter how confident a girl is, she has at least one thing she doesn't like about herself. There is no better way to get her to scruntinize her every flaw by making her realize that she's got a fat ass and pores that are more vast than the Grand Canyon. Avoid these items at all costs. It will definitely send the wrong message and it will prevent World War III.

Gift Cards/Money. Though this requires little thought and could definitely get her something she wants, you don't get a girl a gift card. You're not her uncle. We all learned this from Seinfeld.

Crotch-less/Ass-less Anything. Really? I mean, really? What you guys are into behind closed doors is your business. However, if she can't tell her mother what you got her for Christmas it's probably inappropriate and definitely, more of a present for you. You don't want her parents to know you're a skeevy perv even if she is into it. On that note...

Charitable Donation in Her Name. Unless, she is a trifling good for nothing hippy, this gift is retarded. You're supposed to get her something she wants for Christmas and more often than not, this something you are supposed to get her needs to be tangible (and if you want to score bonus points, sparkly*). She doesn't give a crap about the damn polar bears or the environment. The generous amount of money that you use for this load of hippy nonsense could be used toward something useful to her like a designer purse or jewelry. Oh and do not have anything named after her: a star, a highway, any kind of animal... That's just stupid. (*Note: To be clear, when I say "sparkly", I mean jewelry. Don't go out and have a star named after your lady friend, especially if you live in a metropolitan area, who's skies are filled with that sweet sweet pollution.)

Herpes. ...Or any other STD. She probably doesn't want an STD for Christmas and if you gave it to her, I'm not a fortune teller or anything, but I'm 99.9% sure that a fight would ensue and you would definitely have some explaining to do.

If you have any more gift ideas, this should put the kibosh on that. Really though, you should definitely get her something that you think that she would want, not what you would want. Oh and most of all, do not listen to your friends' suggestions... especially if your girlfriend tells you what she wants to make your life easier, you should probably listen to her (she probably sent you pictures of exactly what she wants).

Oh, and you're welcome.

Temporary Insanity, Curable By Marriage?

Remember when cooties were arguably the most devastating and traumatic epidemic plaguing our generation? We had to get an imaginary shot at least once a day so that we remained immune to the cooties. Girls would avoid boys like the plague and vice-versa because god forbid any sort of physical contact. Hell, some of us would even go so far as to not even touch books or pencils that the opposite sex came into contact with. The lot of us survived fourth and fifth grade because of vast precautions we took. This was just the way the world worked then.

Sixth grade happens and any talk about cooties was so passe. And yes, I was the a-hole who still brought up cooties the first day of junior high and felt like a complete tool because it turned out it was cool to like boys by then. Whatever. If cooties was still a predominant thing in schools, kids wouldn't be on Maury getting paternity tests. Babies wouldn't be having babies.

All my life, I've been a little below the curve when it came to boy/girl relations. Don't get me wrong, I had crushes growing up; I was just too scared to do anything about it and too concerned about cooties... until I was about 14. (Also, it was partially because I was a late bloomer. So what? You want to fight about it?) I was the last of my friends to get my first real kiss because French kissing freaked me out. And to be honest, I'm still definitely one of the most prude when it comes to talking about the hibbidy dibbidy. (Yes, I just said hibbidy dibbidy because I'm that immature.) But let's be real for a second, is it just me or did everyone just wake up and decide to get married?

There is nothing wrong with getting married. I couldn't be more happy for anyone who is betrothed (i.e. JD), but you go on the Facebook and every other status update is about someone getting married. Someone from your graduating class adds you as a friend, but you don't recognize the name, why? Oh, it's because they're married. Your friends are going from being "In a Relationship" to "Engaged". What's this? Mary McPlainface just added new photos... of her huge ass engagement ring that is comparable in size to the former planet, Pluto! What the fudge is going on here?

A few of the girls and I just went to a wedding expo... mainly for the free booze since none of us had any intention of getting married any time soon. Walking down the street, you would never look twice at these girls, but man, the rings on their fingers were absolutely ridiculous. Makes you wonder what your not doing right, don't it? Now, I don't roll with plain girls. We're all pretty secure with ourselves and boys dig us, but none of us had that bling. I think we were secretly an itty, bitty, teeny, tiny bit depressed (especially after seeing the woofers there). But thanks to Socratic reasoning and Beyonce, I'm starting to wonder, does no one like it? Because if they did, they would've put on ring on it, right? Uh uh oh. To add insult to injury, we all came to drink and be merry, but we walked out with ring bearer pillows! (And a crazy craving for raspberry cream truffles.)

Am I missing something? Is there something in the water that I'm immune to? I mean, seriously, WTF? And did you notice all the wedding themed quizzes and advertisements on the FB that we're bombarded with? I did. (So what if I checked to see what age I'd get married or what kind of dress I'd have? I was curious. Sue me. This just in-I'm a girl and I have those inclinations. But I definitely don't think I'd act on them... just yet.) You'd think that with the success rates of marriage being 50-50, less people would be inclined to get married, but no. Looks like people get really into this little thing we call love. Yuck.

Soon enough, we'll start to notice that less and less people will want to come out to the bars on the weekend and party because they have brunch with the in-laws in the morning. They will start hanging out with other married people and talk about long term goals and college funds because they want to bust out a couple of babies. Then the lot of them will move to the suburbs, which I don't get because if I had kids, I'd want snotty little city kids like in Gossip Girl. Before you know it, we'll be getting cards with their kids on it wishing us a happy holiday. All of a sudden, tripping on acid and going to raves becomes less appealing to them because they have responsibilities. Lameskis.

I guess we all get to that age where we decide to grow up, but come on... who knew it would be so soon? I feel like cooties were our biggest issue just yesterday and now, it's what place setting goes with this flower arrangement. Woof.

Open Advice to Anyone With a Y Chromosome

Look, I get both ends of the spectrum. According to my Facebook Friend Stats (aka science), 58% of my friends are guys and 42% of my friends are girls. I walk the fine line between boys and girls. Girls think boys are just as confusing as you think we are. Sure, we overanalyze text messages and judge you on how you decide to behave in random situations (i.e. where you urinate because it is not always in a urinal or toilet, when you're drunk with your friends, how you behave around slutty girls, etc.), but that is only because our brains are wired a little differently and we are a little bit smarter than you. I'm going to do you a favor and try to simplify things for you, k? Sit down. Relax. Take some notes. Your BFF, Kim, is going to blow your mind and take you through a refresher course on how to behave around girls.

Here's a little fact you should probably know: SHE ALWAYS HAS THE POWER.

Full discretion, this is never really discussed, but let's be real, in every relationship, there is some sort of power struggle. Someone always has the upper hand. More likely than not, it is the female counterpart of the relationship that has the power. Boys, if you think you have the power, your girlfriend is very sweet and polite, because you don't. If your girlfriend always tells you that you are equals, that's crap. They just want you to feel secure with your masculinity. We own you because we control the slices of apple pie, if you catch my drift. You may not like the way we may handle it all the time, but we control what is going on.

Think about any situation you have been in with a woman--it's either amazing or it's awkward. She's either God's personal gift to you or the spawn of Satan. Please note, that we are talking about just one woman. Females are designed to be the whole package: smart, beautiful, funny, whatever you want, but keep in mind, if you haven't seen it first-hand, there is a she-devil in there. Legend has it, when this inner she-devil is unleashed, hell breaks loose on that who provokes her.

When you make your lady happy, doesn't it make your day? If she is crying, especially if you are the cause, doesn't it break your heart? Doesn't it kill you when you guys fight? Why can we talk to you like babies to you and get away with it? Think about it. You thought about it. And you realize, I am right. Yes? Yes! Being a girl, I know that because right now, I am controlling you, duh!

If a girl doesn't like what is happening, it gets awkward for her (and anyone within a 3 mile radius of her) real quick. This crazy flame-thing turns on in her eyes and she looks semi-possessed by the devil and she all of a sudden has a green-ish tint. Whatever happened, it was probably your fault. Think about it. Back track and go over everything you did and said, because it was probably mildly offensive and got the gears a-turning in her head, automatically making you the enemy. You can either comfort her and/or put a shiny object in her face. (If you liked it then you should've put on a ring on it.) Just make it better.

Girls find strength in numbers... kind of.

When a guy does something remotely sweet (because really, guys, we don't ask for much) girls are glowing. Other girls want that glow, so they tell other girls and other girls tell their boyfriends. The other girls' boyfriends either try to out do you or fail trying. Your girl learns of all of this and feels amazing and lucky and all is right with the world. Girls are pretty catty and when they have a one-up on another girl, particularly, one they don't like, they are on Cloud Nine and you reap the benefits. The more girls that want to be in her situation, the initial glow that she had from you becomes more prominent and something called love happens.

I don't know why this is. It just is the way it is. A mathematician once did an algorithm to prove this theory, so it's a fact. Back off. Basically, as some sort of significant other, it is highly suggested to that you do little nice things to make your girlfriend happy. It doesn't matter if it's buying her roses or washing the dishes (especially when she knows you hate doing them), just do something to make her day. It will go a long way in the end. Not only will it peak interest, but it will get around and everyone will live harmoniously.

Girls are not, I repeat, are NOT to be addressed as Dude, Man, Buddy, or Pal.

I am all for gender equality. Girls can do what boys can do and hell, boys can do what girls do if they want to. Whatever. It's great that your lady friend can hang with your guy friends, but do not convince her to be one of your guy friends. She is, if not, will soon be, your girlfriend. Treat her like it. Do not act like she doesn't exist. Do not make her feel uncomfortable just so that your friends are uncomfortable. I promise, you will not hear the end of it. This is one the things that will cause the awkward situation I discussed a little bit ago. If you intend to sleep with a girl or keep sleeping with a girl, do not address her as any of the aforementioned forms of address unless you do not want to be anything but her buddy (ugh... I hate that word).

Get it? Got it? Good!

All tests are pass or fail and there is no ridiculous curve in your favor.

It does not matter if you're trying to get a girlfriend, married, dating, whatever-- no matter how stable or unstable you feel your relationship is, there will be tests. The more tests you pass, the stronger your relationship will be. You all know that, I'm sure. Some of the big tests include: The Friend Test, The Ex-Factor, The Number Talk, Meeting the Parents, The Pregnancy Scare, etc. These tests are very important to a relationship and your behavior/reaction can impact your relationship tremendously. This is all common knowledge, yes? Okay. Here's the kicker: sometimes women want to keep you on your toes and like to even throw out something called The Pop Quiz, which is just a random question that only has one specific correct answer.

Most of the PQ questions that we have been known to throw revolve around vanity--how we look, how you perceive us, how we fare compared to other women, etc. These answers must play in our favor and when they do not you will fail miserably and never hear the end of it 60% of the time every time. It doesn't matter if she her ass looks huge in that dress or if you think about other girls inappropriately (for lack of a better way of saying it). You always tell her she is the most beautiful girl you have ever seen and you only want her and you mean it because deep down, you know you do. Honestly, no girl, no matter how confident and secure they are with themselves, wants to hear about how you fantasize about some skank when you are alone at night. That is just wrong. If you have the urge to say something that will potentially hurt her feelings, fight it, hold it in and say something positive about her.

Overview

• She controls everything because she has the power.
• If you make her mad, she will go ape shit or not speak to you ever again.
• If you do good, other girls will take note, and she will reward you.
• Do not call her dude, man, or you will not even get close to second, buddy. (CRINGE!)
• A girl that can hang out with the guys, does not make her your guy friend.
• When given a pop quiz, think about your answer carefully and ask yourself, Will she give me shit and/or rip me a new one? If the answer is YES, you probably shouldn't say that and you should say that you've only got eyes for her.

Just a few other things, and I swear you can go practice my preaching. Girls like attention, but not too much or too little. If you fail to sure her attention, she will go seek it out from somewhere else. If you are giving her too much attention, she will feel smothered and again, she will seek out the right amount of attention from someone else who is less stalker-like and creepy. The same goes with communication--too much will smother her, and too little will push her away. Talk to her when she wants to talk, no matter how uncomfortable you are talking about feelings. It is probably something important to her. Please note that if a girl is constantly putting forth the effort in the relationship, with no reciprocation, that will also push her away.

Oh and something that never ever fails is thinking before you say or do something. This is probably the best piece of advice, I can give you because being thoughtful with your words and actions will go a long way. I promise you. So, please, please, please, solemnly swear you will think before you say and/or do something you regret? Promise with a cherry on top right top right now, k? Thanks!

Are we all on the same page now? Please let me know if you have any questions or if you are confused about anything. My door is always open. Hopefully, this will help decrease the number of d-bag things that guys do.

Your welcome.