She Was Like John Rambo Meets Polly Pocket.

Dear Hit-Girl,

I must say that I was very impressed with your new film, Kick-Ass (which is in theaters now). Not only have I become the biggest advocate for this movie, but I have also decided to live my life according to its  philosophies. Personally, as a super hero enthusiast, it stood for everything I stand for: sweet costumes, gratuitous violence, and sassy one-liners. In other words, it is good old fashioned American fun for the whole family.  The fight scenes in this film are epic and you, my friend, are the baddest mother trucker this side of the Atlantic. You literally had me at the edge of my seat with my mouth wide open throughout the entire film. I was STUNNED and all of sudden everything in this sick sad world made sense to me. I haven't been this stoked about a movie since 300 Dark Knight Watchmen.


All my life, I wanted to a superhero and I wanted to be exactly like Batman. He is rich and powerful and also, pretty bad ass. My only qualm about him was that though he was able to beat the living be-jesus out of his foes, he never took the time to actually kill them and actually make them pay for their crimes other than putting them in Arkham Asylum. Now, that I have seen you in action, you are what I aspire to be. You are this crazy bad ass little girl that doesn't even mind if she cuts a bitch. The fact that your long term life goals involve $3 Million of stolen mob money in a duffel bag, a collection of sweet guns and knives, and beating people up makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world... figuratively. The fact that you can take on a whole slue of mobsters by yourself without even scared of getting shot makes me believe in dreams again.

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you are the coolest person I have ever seen. I know you are only 11-years-old, but I was hoping that I could maybe be your sidekick or see if wanted to be best friends or something. You have seriously made me reconsider a career as a Disney Channel super star. Though, I thought it was pretty awesome when you and your dad crushed that goon in the trash compactor AND got another guy to shoot himself involuntarily in the face with nothing but a knife and rope (double sweet), most people would say that your morals are a bit questionable. But lucky for you, I barely passed my ethics class. Whatever. Sure, you are a bit of a lone wolf (and I respect that), but I think that we could have a really good dynamic together. You with your too cool for school attitude and me with my rapier wit. Personally, I think that we would kick a lot of ass and take a lot of names.Taking over the world would definitely be realistic possibility. I may need that bazooka... and some knife training, but I'm a quick learner and I loves me a good fight and have a tendency to drop a few elbows.

Go ahead think about it and have your people get back to my people.


Warm Regards,


(idk my bff) Kim

PS You don't even need to pass my Batman vs Superman test. I totally know that you think Superman is a douche and that you prefer Batman. We're totes gonna be BFFL!

Holy Missing Batman.

I'll Bet Living in a Nudist Colony Takes All the Fun Out of Halloween

At age 9, I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. I found red lipstick on the glass of milk I had left out for him that Christmas Eve to wash down the chocolate chip cookies I had left for him. The innocence of my childhood was shattered at that very moment. From that point on, I knew it was just my mother and father behind every major figure of my childhood and I made sure that they knew about it.

When Christmas rolled around again, instead of writing a letter to Santa, I addressed my mother and referred to my father as the reindeer. Every time I lost a tooth, I asked her for the money instead of putting it underneath my pillow for the Tooth Fairy. Come Easter, I was picking out every item that was to go in my basket because I knew that the whole Easter Bunny thing was garbage. As I grew older, my parents grew tired of my smart aleck nonsense. Needless to say, I became less and less enthused about the holidays. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, even weddings, graduations, and birthdays were definitely not my cup of tea. Though there is one holiday in particular that grew on me as I became older, and that, my friends, is Halloween.

I wasn't into dressing up for Halloween in my teen years, but as soon as I turned 21, I discovered the liberty that alcohol brought when you are in a costume. I've dressed up as everything from Laura Croft to a sexy Leonidas (sans the beard, of course) and Batman (not Batgirl because she is lame). To this day, I don't fully remember exactly what happened on a Halloween weekend. However, there was a lot of photographic evidence that proves that I had a lot of fun. It is the one weekend of the year that you can let go of your inhibitions and be anyone that you want to be. Best of all, no one can take that away from you.

No one has any responsibilities on Halloween. There are no family obligations tied to this wonderful holiday. There is no Halloween dinner to be at at on time and there are no presents to be exchanged. You will never come home to find out Halloween is not real. Your parents can never suck the joy out because you will be with your friends balls deep in jello shots. No one will never be too old to celebrate this fine holiday. Anything goes on Halloween.

Think about it, instead of candy, you get booze. Instead of handing out candy, you get drunk. No one is ever too old to wear a costume. If you don't want to wear pants that day, you don't have to. Want to make out with a penguin? Do it because you know someone will be wearing a penguin suit. No one will judge you. In fact, every one is friends on Halloween. It's the law. And did I mention you can drink... a lot... in a costume? For some reason, beyond me, getting belligerent in a costume, is always better than getting drunk in civilian clothing. I think it's science.

Remeber, if you are coherent, you're not celebrating the spirit of Ol' Hallow's Eve hard enough. So, get drunk and be merry. Get crazy and have fun. I better see some vomit on the sidewalks (that isn't my own). :)

Happy Halloween, kids.

We Adopted... And No, It's Not Asian.

From the very first time that I saw his chubby little face, I knew that I had to have him. He just wiggled his little butt instead of actually swimming because he was just too pudgy. I needed him to come home with me. Finally, after weeks of planning and hours of labor, on September 7th, we were proud to welcome Guppie along with his two brothers, Ninja and Suckie into our hearts and home.

They're basically the most adorable little fishies ever and never stop eating. I can watch them swim around all day.

...And you know that their little fish tank is going to be Gotham City themed. Here's a little sneak peak of their underwater Gotham.

The Great Debate.

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? Why are we here? What is the sound of one hand clapping? When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? Why do men have nipples? To be or not to be? So many questions have gone unanswered since the dawn of time and we, as a society, have accepted that. But today, I am brave enough to answer a question that has been plaguing man for centuries. Today, I will answer the question: Batman or Superman?

Though the answer is blatantly obvious (BATMAN) to approximately 95.49% of the world, there is still that radical thinking 4.51% that think Superman is better than Batman. I believe those people are terrorists and/or tree hugging hippies with no souls and no real grips on reality. Anyone who knows anything about anything knows that Batman is better than Superman in every single way. It is basically common sense.

Arguably the most obvious reason as to why Batman is superior to Superman has to be the fact that Batman is not weakened/scared of kryptonite. In other words, this so-called "Man of Steel" is scared of a frigging glowing rock since it completely makes him lose his powers. Contrary to popular belief, big muscles do not always signify brute strength. Case-in-point: Superman. This waste of space is cut like a body builder and yet cannot even through a decent punch when kryptonite is in his presence.

You know what Batman is scared of? NOTHING. He conquered his fear of bats and accepted it as a part of him thus making him the man he is today. That means that the Dark Knight actually is fearless and in fact, uses fear as a tactic against the villains of Gotham City. It also means that Batman could literally put on a kryptonite ring and beat Superman's ass and he couldn't even do anything about it.

For some reason, the retard fans of Superman have even gone so far as to compare him to Jesus Christ. I mean, I guess if krypontonite wasn't within a 5 mile radius, you could say that Superman is technically invincible. But just because he is invincible, it doesn't, I don't know make him the Messiah. Now, I'm not going to push religion in anyway to anyone, but I'm going to go ahead and call shenanigans on this one. Not only is this comparison sacrilegious and blasphemy, everyone knows Superman's dad was some scientist on Krypton. This may be presumptuous, but last time I checked, Jesus' dad, this guy called, God, wasn't some scientist on some random planet.

Also, I don't know if many people know this, but technically Superman is from outer space which would technically make him an alien. If you have seen such films as: Signs, Independence Day, any of the Aliens movies or even Mars Attacks, you will know that it is a fact that aliens are our enemies. By nature, us humans do not like anything we do not know. With that said, why the f do we let Superman even exist? We should have nuked him by now with some sort of kryptonite missile or something. The guy does more damage than anything else--tearing up the street with his laser vision and throwing trucks everywhere. I'm pretty sure that the taxes in Metropolis are through the roof.

And since Superman is an alien, who is he to push these unattainable moral standards on us? What? Does he think he's better than us. This a-hole is walking around like he's more moral and just than all of us and sticking his nose up in the air like his shit don't stink. This just in, Superman, you're not even a natural born citizen of the planet, let alone America. P.S. You have an illegitimate son with Lois Lane and you don't even pay child support or have custody. How do say "dead beat dad" in your alien tongue?

On the other hand, there is Batman, who is human, not an alien from outer space, like the rest of us. Sure, he's got his weaknesses (i.e. being mortal), but the symbol of what he stands for and the legacy he leaves behind will be known forever. He doesn't push his beliefs on us like Superman nor does he walk around like he is better than us because he is one of us. Batman gets us and stands up for what we as whole believe in. Plus, he doesn't have any illegitimate children, and if he did, he would set them up for life.

Besides, assuming that he is going to go ahead and become this upright citizen, Superman has no reason to even become a superhero. If you were an alien wouldn't you want to keep a low profile and try to fit in? You would just want to go day-to-day minding your business and making sure you weren't any different than anyone else, right? No. Not Superman. He's all, Oh, look at me. I can fly out of the Earth's atmosphere and not explode without any oxygen because I don't necessarily need it to live. I mean, get a grip, man. No one likes a show off.

Superman never even knew what it was like to experience something unjust. He is just a big know-it-all who wants to butt in and have his way even though he has no strategy either. It's always his way or the highway. Oh, there's a bank being robbed? No need for police to ensure the safety of everyone involved. Superman can just lift the entire building and throw it into the ocean. No big. What an ass!?

Batman became Batman because he has experienced injustice first hand and wanted to take justice into his own hands for the sake of not only himself, but the citizens of Gotham City. For Christ's sake, his parents were murdered in an alley in front of him. Sure, Superman's parents were killed too, but that was a freak meteor shower-type accident. Plus, he barely remembers because he was a baby. Batman's parents were shot before his very eyes as a child, so he is traumatized for life.

Unlike Superman, Batman traveled and trained diligently to be able to control his anger and to strategize a plan to take down injustice. He did the rational thing and really thought everything out before he did anything crazy. Batman would never just throw a bank into the ocean or anything stupid like that. The man tactfully captures the bad guys, sometimes hurts them badly, but never kills them, and leaves them for the proper authorities to find. Classy.

Not only is Batman better than Superman when it comes to alter egos...period. Bruce Wayne is hands down better than Clark Kent. Why? Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire with his own company. He is suave, classy, and he's got Alfred as a butler and Morgan Freeman as his tech guy! Ladies love him, girls adore him--even the one's that never saw him. Also, he is fun. There's always an event Brucey Boy's got to attend or there is a shindig at Wayne Manor.

What does Clark Kent have? I'll tell you-- glasses, a super cut, and a crappy job as a reporter for The Daily Planet. Bruce Wayne could easily buy The Daily Planet and do whatever he wanted with it. Clark Kent can't even afford a closet to hang his lame costume in AND has to change in a telephone booth because there is no such thing as indecent exposure on Krypton and no room in his crappy little apartment. You know where Bruce changes into his cool costume? The mother f-ing Bat Cave which is found underneath his huge mansion, that's where. Chew on that Superman.

Also, I know that Batman has a mask, so I get that no one even knows that he is Bruce Wayne. Then there is Superman who doesn't have a mask, but still no one knows who he is because Clark Kent's eyeglasses alter his face somehow? Oh yeah, eyeglasses don't alter your face. They help improve eyesight, but they don't make it so no one knows who you are when you wear them. That's right. So this has to mean that the people of Metropolis are retarded. I mean, really? They can't tell the difference between a guy with glasses and same guy without them? I bet the people of Gotham have to think they are dense. I bet it's some alien voodoo he does.

AHH! This subject matter gets me so riled up. Nothing makes me more mad than Superdouche. (Write that down.) Anyways, I hope that I made it clear to any doubters-- BATMAN IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN SUPERMAN. If you're not convinced, I will punch you in your liver until you throw up your spleen and you'll see how super you are, man.