Television: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover.

For many, autumn brings new beginnings. I mean, sure, it's a little colder and the year is coming to an end, but come on, the Fall is about new starts. The kiddies are headed back to school. Those crazy undergrads are shacking up in the dorms and getting lost in the city. Some freshmen are even taking their first underage sips of beer as we speak. After all, it is the beginning of football season. And although we say bid a sweet adieu to the foliage and the days become shorter, we welcome the brand spanking new seasons of our favorite shows.

Let's go through my personal MUST SEE TV list for the week, shall we?

To get through the doldrums that we call Monday, I like to start off with a little bit of Heroes (8 EST/7 CST), which just had its two-hour premiere today. No spoilers please. I only watched half of it since I had to catch my Upper East Siders on Gossip Girl (9 EST/8 CST). I mean, WWBWD (What Would Blair Waldorf Do)? I couldn't miss their first day of college! Come on! Then I like to top off my night at 9 PM, with a little Rachel Zoe Project (which I'm currently watching right now and decided that I need a huge furry vest. I wonder if I would be able to rock it at work... Andrea?).

Tuesdays are dead to me. Nothing is on. So they can be your free day. Personally, Tuesdays are my gym day and more times than not, my weeknight bar night. Or if I'm feeling crazy, I catch up on my Netflix. Nothing is worth it on Tuesdays unless of course, they decide to have Nip/Tuck's final season then, but we don't have to worry about that until January this just in, the show starts October 14th, which makes it only add to the Wednesday goodness. And sorry guys, 90210 is crap and nothing like the original. I don't know about you, but I like my high school kids played by people well in their 30's. (Luke Perry forever!)
As for Hump Day, I really don't care for anything until 8 PM CST because let's be real all that matters on Wednesday night is Glee. It's is basically the funniest show on TV. And even though I'm hopelessly devoted to Eric Northman, but I have to say, I'm hot for teacher, Will Schuester. He's pretty sexy in the Acafellas episode. Everyone on the show is ridiculously talented, but when you hear Mr. Schuester sing to you, you automatically revert into a twelve-year-old girl at an NSYNC concert again. That's how good he is. (Update: Fox just picked up Glee for a full season. Told you it was that good.)

And what's not on Thursdays? In the prime time slot, it's a total NBC take over. Parks and Recreation at 7:30 PM, followed by The Office and the new show starring Joel McHale, Community. Loves it. But the fun doesn't stop there. You go ahead and put on FX for your double dose of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I mean, if you're not familiar, it is also known as the best comedy show of all time. There's something about four a-holes that own a bar with Danny DeVito that just equals hilarity. Since that is on at 9 PM CST, it is absolutely necessary to keep the crass going and take a hot second and tune into the encore of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, everyone's guilty pleasure. I don't know about you, but I want to Nene Leakes when I grow up.

Just because the combo of It's Always Sunny and The Real Housewives is just too magnificent, I need to take Friday and Saturday off. After all, I am in my twenties and do like to catch some sort of roof on fire and not allow water to dowse its flame so it burns or whatever the kids say nowadays. But after a long weekend of partying, I like to have a very lazy Sunday with my VH1 reality shows (Tool Academy 2, My Antonio, Real Chance of Love re-runs) in the morning since I know that more likely than not, my television will be dominated by something called football (not that I'm complaining or anything). At night, it's all about HBO's fine evening programming. Maybe I'll catch a little Curb Your Enthusiasm since True Blood is done for the year. And I've been meaning to catch Bored to Death with Jason Schwartzman. It looks interesting, but I could totally be wrong. (Thoughts anyone?)

Elizabeth Lawrence once said that in Autumn "[E]veryone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn." Little did she know, that we have to take the time to sit and watch tv since we were blessed with an amazing Fall line-up. God bless the boob tube.
And th-th-that's all folks. (Sorry I had to.)

Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive.

My mom, Cheyenne, says that I have too much pent up frustration and that I should channel all my anger into something positive. I really don't think that I get angry that often. So what if I get a little cranky when there's traffic in the morning because of stupid tourists wandering around or because of Oprah deciding to close off 1/3 of The Loop to tape the premiere of her show. And just because I made one person cry with a few low blows about their family being inbred or how their friend looks like Princess Fiona because they didn't like my shirt, it doesn't mean I am overly defensive. Last I checked, not getting your way is something to get upset about. It's not just "a little spilled milk" when that happens to me. And I hardly ever get aggressive. Who hasn't been known to throw an elbow into a face or two? He who hasn't thrown a squirrel across an open field in their hey day cast the first stone, k? Exactly. Don't go around judging me. I've never lost my temper... per se, but long story short, when mom said I needed a hobby to harness all of my negative chi, I realized my true calling: FIGHTING.

Ever since I could recall, I've wanted to start some sort of "fight club", if you will, where you can just gather a big group of average Joes and beat the crap out of each other. We would use this fighting as some sort of therapy or as some sort of escape from our mundane lives. I don't know how this would crossover in middle America especially with today's economy, but it would be fun to gather in some sort of bar basement and fight. I guess I would just have to find a group of people who didn't ever speak about this aforementioned fight club I am proposing. (Insert shifty eyes here.)

Now that I have insurance, I wouldn't mind punching someone in the ear just because I could since I can afford to pay for the repercussions of my actions and since I'm half ninja and all (little known fact about me... write that down). Personally, I think unnecessary violence as seen in such films as Rambo and Gamer, is funny but some people frown upon it. To think about it, I don't know too many people who would, so I guess I would have to find other people that wouldn't mind getting punched in the ear by me. The more I think about it, the more realistic alternative to this would be to just take boxing lessons and take them I shall.

From boxing lessons, I plan to start kickboxing, and from kickboxing, I will probably get into Muy Thai and eventually become a regular on the amateur fight circuit. Everyone in the underground fighting ring of Chicago will know the new "Thrilla in Manila" (sorry Paquio) and the name Kimmie Kerosine---one punch to the face will leave you looking like a burn victim or something equally catchy. Some kid will make up the catch phrase later. But anyways, from there, I will take over and become Queen of the Fight (Get it? It's a play on words refrencing the popular Whitney Houston song, "Queen of the Night").

Then on one gloriously cold day in the midst of December, Dana White, will discover me and ask me to join the UFC because I would have already beat up every single woman MMA fighter as far as the eye can see. I'd beat everyone up with one swift round house kick, a quick one-two punch, and a quick elbow to the face. With those three moves, I would earn every belt from every weight class. That's right, every weight class. The only way, I could be better is if I beat the crap out of myself, but that is just way too existentialistic (yes, that is a real word). I'd be so good that they would have to make a NEW new American Gladiators just so that I can tear up prime time television just as much as pay-per-view. By the time I surpass my prime, which is probably going to be when I'm 27-years-old, I think that I will have to retire on top and join the cast of Dancing with the Stars. I can only be 99.9% sure that I would champion that show too.

God, I'm awesome.

The point is, I'm not an angry person and I don't have anger issues. I just like to fight and/or cause fires.

"I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES, BITCH."