Working Out or Having Sex?

Contrary to popular belief, I'm a pretty laid back person. It takes a lot to get to me. Yeah, I don't like many people, but that doesn't mean I'm not nice to them. On the rare occasions, I see a fellow tenant in my building, I'm always sure to give them a smile and hope they have a pleasant day. It's just the courteous thing to do. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's in every lease and in the friendly neighbor handbook you get when you move in. (If you don't have one, you can obtain your copy at: www.itscommonsense.com.) Also, in this aforementioned handbook you will find your apartment's noise policies, which state on page 54 Section XXI Paragraph M:

...As a courtesy to your neighbors, there is no need to furiously fornicate and/or jump rope at all hours of the day/night... especially if your building is not sound proofed and your wholesome neighbor below you can pinpoint your exact location at every point in time.

Okay. You got me. There is no handbook, but there should be. Seriously though, folks, my upstairs neighbors are either hardcore about working out or hardcore porn stars. I find myself constantly asking an age old question: Are they working out or having sex? Whatever they're doing up there, they need to stop or at least do it at, I don't know, not peak sleep hours. Everyone knows I need my sleep or I'm not a joy to be around, as I usually am.

Whenever I am home, all I here is jumping and whipping sounds. At first, it was just jumping, but I could hear their bed creak, which led me to believe that they were just bumping uglies. Totally understandable. It happens. But then I started hearing it in other parts of my apartment. The jumping noises have moved from above my bed to above my bathroom and then above my kitchen. I thought nothing of it and thought my neighbors were just getting frisky all over the place. Again, nothing wrong with that. They are in the privacy of their own home. Before I knew it, these noises started to involve some sort of rope. (Let your imagination do what it will with that.) Were these people getting kinky? Or jumping rope? The noises became more and more frequent. All day and all night, I would just hear constant jumping. I was fine with it at first, but now, it's starting to get to me.

There have been a number of occasions where I have been tempted to march up there and tell them to cut it out, but part of me doesn't want to be that neighbor. I've wanted to do the old broomstick the ceiling, but I don't have a broom and if I did, I would not want to muck up my ceiling. What do I do? I'm asking for your advice, friend of friends.

Help!

Open Advice to Anyone With a Y Chromosome

Look, I get both ends of the spectrum. According to my Facebook Friend Stats (aka science), 58% of my friends are guys and 42% of my friends are girls. I walk the fine line between boys and girls. Girls think boys are just as confusing as you think we are. Sure, we overanalyze text messages and judge you on how you decide to behave in random situations (i.e. where you urinate because it is not always in a urinal or toilet, when you're drunk with your friends, how you behave around slutty girls, etc.), but that is only because our brains are wired a little differently and we are a little bit smarter than you. I'm going to do you a favor and try to simplify things for you, k? Sit down. Relax. Take some notes. Your BFF, Kim, is going to blow your mind and take you through a refresher course on how to behave around girls.

Here's a little fact you should probably know: SHE ALWAYS HAS THE POWER.

Full discretion, this is never really discussed, but let's be real, in every relationship, there is some sort of power struggle. Someone always has the upper hand. More likely than not, it is the female counterpart of the relationship that has the power. Boys, if you think you have the power, your girlfriend is very sweet and polite, because you don't. If your girlfriend always tells you that you are equals, that's crap. They just want you to feel secure with your masculinity. We own you because we control the slices of apple pie, if you catch my drift. You may not like the way we may handle it all the time, but we control what is going on.

Think about any situation you have been in with a woman--it's either amazing or it's awkward. She's either God's personal gift to you or the spawn of Satan. Please note, that we are talking about just one woman. Females are designed to be the whole package: smart, beautiful, funny, whatever you want, but keep in mind, if you haven't seen it first-hand, there is a she-devil in there. Legend has it, when this inner she-devil is unleashed, hell breaks loose on that who provokes her.

When you make your lady happy, doesn't it make your day? If she is crying, especially if you are the cause, doesn't it break your heart? Doesn't it kill you when you guys fight? Why can we talk to you like babies to you and get away with it? Think about it. You thought about it. And you realize, I am right. Yes? Yes! Being a girl, I know that because right now, I am controlling you, duh!

If a girl doesn't like what is happening, it gets awkward for her (and anyone within a 3 mile radius of her) real quick. This crazy flame-thing turns on in her eyes and she looks semi-possessed by the devil and she all of a sudden has a green-ish tint. Whatever happened, it was probably your fault. Think about it. Back track and go over everything you did and said, because it was probably mildly offensive and got the gears a-turning in her head, automatically making you the enemy. You can either comfort her and/or put a shiny object in her face. (If you liked it then you should've put on a ring on it.) Just make it better.

Girls find strength in numbers... kind of.

When a guy does something remotely sweet (because really, guys, we don't ask for much) girls are glowing. Other girls want that glow, so they tell other girls and other girls tell their boyfriends. The other girls' boyfriends either try to out do you or fail trying. Your girl learns of all of this and feels amazing and lucky and all is right with the world. Girls are pretty catty and when they have a one-up on another girl, particularly, one they don't like, they are on Cloud Nine and you reap the benefits. The more girls that want to be in her situation, the initial glow that she had from you becomes more prominent and something called love happens.

I don't know why this is. It just is the way it is. A mathematician once did an algorithm to prove this theory, so it's a fact. Back off. Basically, as some sort of significant other, it is highly suggested to that you do little nice things to make your girlfriend happy. It doesn't matter if it's buying her roses or washing the dishes (especially when she knows you hate doing them), just do something to make her day. It will go a long way in the end. Not only will it peak interest, but it will get around and everyone will live harmoniously.

Girls are not, I repeat, are NOT to be addressed as Dude, Man, Buddy, or Pal.

I am all for gender equality. Girls can do what boys can do and hell, boys can do what girls do if they want to. Whatever. It's great that your lady friend can hang with your guy friends, but do not convince her to be one of your guy friends. She is, if not, will soon be, your girlfriend. Treat her like it. Do not act like she doesn't exist. Do not make her feel uncomfortable just so that your friends are uncomfortable. I promise, you will not hear the end of it. This is one the things that will cause the awkward situation I discussed a little bit ago. If you intend to sleep with a girl or keep sleeping with a girl, do not address her as any of the aforementioned forms of address unless you do not want to be anything but her buddy (ugh... I hate that word).

Get it? Got it? Good!

All tests are pass or fail and there is no ridiculous curve in your favor.

It does not matter if you're trying to get a girlfriend, married, dating, whatever-- no matter how stable or unstable you feel your relationship is, there will be tests. The more tests you pass, the stronger your relationship will be. You all know that, I'm sure. Some of the big tests include: The Friend Test, The Ex-Factor, The Number Talk, Meeting the Parents, The Pregnancy Scare, etc. These tests are very important to a relationship and your behavior/reaction can impact your relationship tremendously. This is all common knowledge, yes? Okay. Here's the kicker: sometimes women want to keep you on your toes and like to even throw out something called The Pop Quiz, which is just a random question that only has one specific correct answer.

Most of the PQ questions that we have been known to throw revolve around vanity--how we look, how you perceive us, how we fare compared to other women, etc. These answers must play in our favor and when they do not you will fail miserably and never hear the end of it 60% of the time every time. It doesn't matter if she her ass looks huge in that dress or if you think about other girls inappropriately (for lack of a better way of saying it). You always tell her she is the most beautiful girl you have ever seen and you only want her and you mean it because deep down, you know you do. Honestly, no girl, no matter how confident and secure they are with themselves, wants to hear about how you fantasize about some skank when you are alone at night. That is just wrong. If you have the urge to say something that will potentially hurt her feelings, fight it, hold it in and say something positive about her.

Overview

• She controls everything because she has the power.
• If you make her mad, she will go ape shit or not speak to you ever again.
• If you do good, other girls will take note, and she will reward you.
• Do not call her dude, man, or you will not even get close to second, buddy. (CRINGE!)
• A girl that can hang out with the guys, does not make her your guy friend.
• When given a pop quiz, think about your answer carefully and ask yourself, Will she give me shit and/or rip me a new one? If the answer is YES, you probably shouldn't say that and you should say that you've only got eyes for her.

Just a few other things, and I swear you can go practice my preaching. Girls like attention, but not too much or too little. If you fail to sure her attention, she will go seek it out from somewhere else. If you are giving her too much attention, she will feel smothered and again, she will seek out the right amount of attention from someone else who is less stalker-like and creepy. The same goes with communication--too much will smother her, and too little will push her away. Talk to her when she wants to talk, no matter how uncomfortable you are talking about feelings. It is probably something important to her. Please note that if a girl is constantly putting forth the effort in the relationship, with no reciprocation, that will also push her away.

Oh and something that never ever fails is thinking before you say or do something. This is probably the best piece of advice, I can give you because being thoughtful with your words and actions will go a long way. I promise you. So, please, please, please, solemnly swear you will think before you say and/or do something you regret? Promise with a cherry on top right top right now, k? Thanks!

Are we all on the same page now? Please let me know if you have any questions or if you are confused about anything. My door is always open. Hopefully, this will help decrease the number of d-bag things that guys do.

Your welcome.

Take a Shower, Kristen Stewart.

Dear Kristen Stewart,

From what I hear, apparently, you poop roses. Good for you. I know everyone thinks you're real cool, but I don't get it. I mean enjoy looking pissed off and annoyed as much the next person, but everyone knows there is a time and a place for that (i.e. the bar, the street, McDonald's, when homeless people ask for change, Chuck E. Cheese, etcetera). You, KStew, take it to a whole new level. You walk around like you live such a hard movie star life. You just want everyone to feel bad for you and say, "There goes that poor Kristen Stewart. You know, she's starring in this big epic tween movie extravaganza, but, man, she can't even afford to take a shower. I bet her life is real hard." I mean, you look like you hate everything about what you do and that you're pissed off. Oh, this just in: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT.

I saw this Twilight movie just like everyone else. It was OK. For the record, it was definitely not as awesome as True Blood. The only thing I didn't get about the movie was why this shiny, glimmery vampire was into you. I mean, you're not ugly, but you're also not anything particularly special. Would it hurt to slap on some mascara and a little rouge? Why don't you comb the hair a little and maybe smile every once in a while. Not to push it or anything, but you could probably use a shower or even wash your clothes. You kind of look like you smell. Little self-improvements are better than nothing. We gotta work with what you got. Let's face it, you're no Sookie Stackhouse and your stupid vampire doesn't even speak Swedish or whatever like one Eric Northman.

How you get guys like, Robert Pattinson, Michael Angarano, and Steven Strait, is beyond me. They... well, for the most part, look pretty put together. Robert looks like a dirty vampire even when he isn't filming for the movie and it kind of freaks me out. From what I hear on the grape vine, you're rude and nasty in person and I can't say I'm not surprised. If I looked like I was homeless, I'd be rude and nasty too.  Are guys into that? Or is it just broody actor-types? I don't know. I always thought it was only okay to be rude and nasty if you were cute and as I've already stated, you're not all that and a bag of potato chips and sometimes you look like a boy.

Point is, you're supposed to be this fancy movie star and people put you on this pedestal for whatever reason. Some people think you're so awesome and say you're this girl-next-door-type? You look more like this girl-next-door's socially awkward cousin from Wisconsin and no good ever comes from Wisconsin. Everybody knows that (except people from Wisconsin, for some reason they think they're all high and mighty). 

Call me old fashioned, but girls are supposed to be pretty. If you're not naturally pretty, do something about it so that people think you are. I mean, my mother would never let me out of the house looking the way you do and I'm not even famous. And there you are, wherever I look, on every single magazine cover as far as the eye can see all disheveled and weird. Have you no respect for yourself? Be a lady. Just shower... at least once a day. Please? Do it for the kids.

Hope you heed my advice.


Cheers (because I know you love the underage drinking the kids are into),

(idk my bff) KIM

P.S. You really do kind of look like you smell.