What a Girl Doesn't Want.

Christmas is upon us and for those of us with significant others are facing that biannual problem of what to get them. Let me just say, it is way easier for a girl to shop for their boyfriend because to be honest, we listen and plus, that's what we do all year. He's obsessed with his X-BOX---BAM! You get them the video game he won't shut up about. His favorite band is on tour. You get him tickets. For some reason, his closet is full of metallic shirts (sorry, I had to :P). You remind him he's not a Persian nightclub owner and buy him clothes. Easy, right?

Between the all football and basketball games that seem to always be on, a girl is lucky when their boyfriend even notices that she is even the same room. That being said, boys, you have no idea what to get your girlfriends and since there are few weeks until Christmas, I figured I can give you a little gift guide on what not to get them when you go shopping on Christmas Eve. I mean, Christmas is about giving and being happy. You don't want her to have that awkward look on her face and have her pretend she loves the bowling ball you got her, right, Homer?

Tool Set. It doesn't matter if they are pink. It doesn't even matter if the tools are covered in glitter. Unless she's bigger than you, wears a lot of flannel and steel boots, and rocks a mullet while she is scissoring her best friend, Bertha, this is definitely not a good idea. I'm all for girl power and fixing stuff, but you're her boyfriend. If she needs something major fixed, she will probably call you to do it. Girls, no matter how independent, will not need 8 different kinds of screw drivers for anything. Trust me.

Video Games. Though video games are definitely among the most popular gifts of the season, they are the most popular amongst boys ages 11-23. So, unless you're girlfriend is a prepubescent boy, which for your sake, I hope she is not, then you probably shouldn't get her video games. Yeah, she may like playing them. So what if she has her own video game console? Unless she specifically says, "Babe, I really want that Arkham Asylum game that all the kids are playing", don't do it. It's just not a good idea because she probably wants something a little more sentimental and from the heart.

Anything from Spencer's Gifts. Trust me on this. Your girlfriend will not appreciate the farting frog or the dog that humps your leg. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even crack a smile if you got her a novelty shirt that said: Female Bikini Inspector. Though you may find it hilarious, she may not. In fact, I know she will not.

Clothes. You think you know what your girlfriend would look good in. You want her in something skin tight that shows off her amazing body and makes her boobs stick out, right? That's really not how this whole shopping process works. Your girlfriend looks good in the clothes she wears because she meticulously picks them out. You know how you dread going shopping with her because she spends hours and hours in one store? That's because she knows what she likes and what she would look good in. Plus, this will most likely make a turn for the worst. If you get her clothes that are too big or too small, you will be asked relentlessly if you think she is fat. Unless, you consult her gay best friend (and by consult, I mean, have him pick out the clothes), you are S.O.L.

Weighing Scale/Magnifying Mirror. By nature, all women are a little insecure. No matter how confident a girl is, she has at least one thing she doesn't like about herself. There is no better way to get her to scruntinize her every flaw by making her realize that she's got a fat ass and pores that are more vast than the Grand Canyon. Avoid these items at all costs. It will definitely send the wrong message and it will prevent World War III.

Gift Cards/Money. Though this requires little thought and could definitely get her something she wants, you don't get a girl a gift card. You're not her uncle. We all learned this from Seinfeld.

Crotch-less/Ass-less Anything. Really? I mean, really? What you guys are into behind closed doors is your business. However, if she can't tell her mother what you got her for Christmas it's probably inappropriate and definitely, more of a present for you. You don't want her parents to know you're a skeevy perv even if she is into it. On that note...

Charitable Donation in Her Name. Unless, she is a trifling good for nothing hippy, this gift is retarded. You're supposed to get her something she wants for Christmas and more often than not, this something you are supposed to get her needs to be tangible (and if you want to score bonus points, sparkly*). She doesn't give a crap about the damn polar bears or the environment. The generous amount of money that you use for this load of hippy nonsense could be used toward something useful to her like a designer purse or jewelry. Oh and do not have anything named after her: a star, a highway, any kind of animal... That's just stupid. (*Note: To be clear, when I say "sparkly", I mean jewelry. Don't go out and have a star named after your lady friend, especially if you live in a metropolitan area, who's skies are filled with that sweet sweet pollution.)

Herpes. ...Or any other STD. She probably doesn't want an STD for Christmas and if you gave it to her, I'm not a fortune teller or anything, but I'm 99.9% sure that a fight would ensue and you would definitely have some explaining to do.

If you have any more gift ideas, this should put the kibosh on that. Really though, you should definitely get her something that you think that she would want, not what you would want. Oh and most of all, do not listen to your friends' suggestions... especially if your girlfriend tells you what she wants to make your life easier, you should probably listen to her (she probably sent you pictures of exactly what she wants).

Oh, and you're welcome.

Fatty Loves Turkey.

There was that perfect turkey full of goodness perfect for the food coma that ensued. You absolutely had to have that delicious stuffing tryptophan with those delectable buttered (mmm... butter) mashed potatoes and no, you didn't skimp on that gravy. Oh, and the pies. You can't forget the pies. We have this ridiculously amazing home cooked multi-course feast to just shove in our faces.  Let's face it, the holidays are an excuse to engage in arguably the best of the seven deadly sins, gluttony. But why? I'll tell you why. I have a theory.

Inside all of us there is a little fat kid waiting to come out. We manage to ignore him for most of the year with our crazy fad diets and our wild work out routines. But for some reason, we indulge our inner chub and let him run rampant. We give him the extra brownie a la mode. We take those seconds---maybe even thirds. We put a little extra butter on the... well... if your like me, you'll take extra butter on anything. You eat til you have unbutton your pants and lay in there in food coma heaven. But I realized, that we only eat around the holidays because there really isn't anything for us to do otherwise.

When I was a kid, I thought Thanksgiving was the worst. It was just close family. There were no other kids around besides my brother, who I was already sick of by that point since he was always around. Everyone had to comment on how tall we got and didn't skimp on the cheek pinching. No one understood how epic The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were. All anyone wanted to do was eat. It was the worst. The only prime discussion I got as a kid at Thanksgiving dinner is everyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas. This conversation was crucial... for about 5 to 9 years give or take. For in the two to three minutes that these conservations would last, I would have the faintest whisper of hope because that meant Christmas was not too far. At that time, to me, Christmas was just like my birthday, but EVERYONE got presents. (In other words, it was like my birthday, but not as special.) The older you get, the more you come to terms with Santa not being real and Christmas, therefore, being a sham of a holiday. You realize it's all for the kids.

That's when you indulge in what you got left during the holidays--the food. At first, you still don't really dig Thanksgiving, but you start to notice that hey, Christmas dinner isn't so bad. You got some succulent braised beef and some of that green bean almondine. Everyone's pulling out all the stops for ol' JC's day of birth. After awhile, you notice Thanksgiving and you end up liking that holiday more. There's more food on that day then Christmas. Christmas might as well be called Thanksgiving II because the only difference is that you sit around watching kids open presents and put in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Food is all you got left as an adult during the holidays.

So I guess what I am saying is, eat up. Screw the gym. Food is the real meaning of the holidays.

I'll Bet Living in a Nudist Colony Takes All the Fun Out of Halloween

At age 9, I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. I found red lipstick on the glass of milk I had left out for him that Christmas Eve to wash down the chocolate chip cookies I had left for him. The innocence of my childhood was shattered at that very moment. From that point on, I knew it was just my mother and father behind every major figure of my childhood and I made sure that they knew about it.

When Christmas rolled around again, instead of writing a letter to Santa, I addressed my mother and referred to my father as the reindeer. Every time I lost a tooth, I asked her for the money instead of putting it underneath my pillow for the Tooth Fairy. Come Easter, I was picking out every item that was to go in my basket because I knew that the whole Easter Bunny thing was garbage. As I grew older, my parents grew tired of my smart aleck nonsense. Needless to say, I became less and less enthused about the holidays. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, even weddings, graduations, and birthdays were definitely not my cup of tea. Though there is one holiday in particular that grew on me as I became older, and that, my friends, is Halloween.

I wasn't into dressing up for Halloween in my teen years, but as soon as I turned 21, I discovered the liberty that alcohol brought when you are in a costume. I've dressed up as everything from Laura Croft to a sexy Leonidas (sans the beard, of course) and Batman (not Batgirl because she is lame). To this day, I don't fully remember exactly what happened on a Halloween weekend. However, there was a lot of photographic evidence that proves that I had a lot of fun. It is the one weekend of the year that you can let go of your inhibitions and be anyone that you want to be. Best of all, no one can take that away from you.

No one has any responsibilities on Halloween. There are no family obligations tied to this wonderful holiday. There is no Halloween dinner to be at at on time and there are no presents to be exchanged. You will never come home to find out Halloween is not real. Your parents can never suck the joy out because you will be with your friends balls deep in jello shots. No one will never be too old to celebrate this fine holiday. Anything goes on Halloween.

Think about it, instead of candy, you get booze. Instead of handing out candy, you get drunk. No one is ever too old to wear a costume. If you don't want to wear pants that day, you don't have to. Want to make out with a penguin? Do it because you know someone will be wearing a penguin suit. No one will judge you. In fact, every one is friends on Halloween. It's the law. And did I mention you can drink... a lot... in a costume? For some reason, beyond me, getting belligerent in a costume, is always better than getting drunk in civilian clothing. I think it's science.

Remeber, if you are coherent, you're not celebrating the spirit of Ol' Hallow's Eve hard enough. So, get drunk and be merry. Get crazy and have fun. I better see some vomit on the sidewalks (that isn't my own). :)

Happy Halloween, kids.