Beer Pong For Kids?

So I was watching the Disney Channel per usual (it's fine because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a cougar when I grow up), and I came across a commercial for Cuponk. You don't know what that is because you're not down with the kids like me. Let me know explain to you what it is, Cha Cha. Basically, it is an extreme version beer pong sans alcohol (as far as we know). This cup makes noises and flashes lights at you when you get the ball in there. Also, it looks like it comes with a sweet deck of cards.

Why this is remotely cool and why it is being targeted to children and not college students is beyond me. As soon as I saw this, I thought this would be awesome when your all crunked up. With this said,  though I feel like this product/commercial is subliminally promoting underage drinking, I also feel like it's prepping kids for college. Whooo! What do you think?

MMMMM... Joe Jonas

So, I was perusing the cool haps on the Disney Channel and came across a commercial for JONAS L.A. Now, I'm no cougar, but I will say, Joe Jonas was looking fooooooine. Check him out in their new video for "LA Baby". I got dibs. (Rawr.)

She Was Like John Rambo Meets Polly Pocket.

Dear Hit-Girl,

I must say that I was very impressed with your new film, Kick-Ass (which is in theaters now). Not only have I become the biggest advocate for this movie, but I have also decided to live my life according to its  philosophies. Personally, as a super hero enthusiast, it stood for everything I stand for: sweet costumes, gratuitous violence, and sassy one-liners. In other words, it is good old fashioned American fun for the whole family.  The fight scenes in this film are epic and you, my friend, are the baddest mother trucker this side of the Atlantic. You literally had me at the edge of my seat with my mouth wide open throughout the entire film. I was STUNNED and all of sudden everything in this sick sad world made sense to me. I haven't been this stoked about a movie since 300 Dark Knight Watchmen.


All my life, I wanted to a superhero and I wanted to be exactly like Batman. He is rich and powerful and also, pretty bad ass. My only qualm about him was that though he was able to beat the living be-jesus out of his foes, he never took the time to actually kill them and actually make them pay for their crimes other than putting them in Arkham Asylum. Now, that I have seen you in action, you are what I aspire to be. You are this crazy bad ass little girl that doesn't even mind if she cuts a bitch. The fact that your long term life goals involve $3 Million of stolen mob money in a duffel bag, a collection of sweet guns and knives, and beating people up makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world... figuratively. The fact that you can take on a whole slue of mobsters by yourself without even scared of getting shot makes me believe in dreams again.

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you are the coolest person I have ever seen. I know you are only 11-years-old, but I was hoping that I could maybe be your sidekick or see if wanted to be best friends or something. You have seriously made me reconsider a career as a Disney Channel super star. Though, I thought it was pretty awesome when you and your dad crushed that goon in the trash compactor AND got another guy to shoot himself involuntarily in the face with nothing but a knife and rope (double sweet), most people would say that your morals are a bit questionable. But lucky for you, I barely passed my ethics class. Whatever. Sure, you are a bit of a lone wolf (and I respect that), but I think that we could have a really good dynamic together. You with your too cool for school attitude and me with my rapier wit. Personally, I think that we would kick a lot of ass and take a lot of names.Taking over the world would definitely be realistic possibility. I may need that bazooka... and some knife training, but I'm a quick learner and I loves me a good fight and have a tendency to drop a few elbows.

Go ahead think about it and have your people get back to my people.


Warm Regards,


(idk my bff) Kim

PS You don't even need to pass my Batman vs Superman test. I totally know that you think Superman is a douche and that you prefer Batman. We're totes gonna be BFFL!

If Morgan Freeman Can, So Can I.

Life. What a silly little topic, right? We've only got one and we have to make the most of it. But what do we do with our lives? What are we doing with our lives? What are we supposed to be doing with it? What do we want to do with our lives? What do we need to do? Do we live life on the edge or do we play it safe? I'm sure these are all questions you ask yourself when you're in your early mid-20's and trying to figure it all out. It's a little cliche, but I'm finding it to be very true.

I mean, don't let the face fool you. I'm 23-years-old and I'm not getting any younger. I have no idea where my life is headed and I'm not exactly sure where I want it to go. In the wake of Cha Cha Lee's birthday (What are you like 50 now?) and in honor of MTV's new, The Buried Life, which despite all of my unwillingness to tune in, I probably will since Glee and Gossip Girl will be on hiatus until April (WOOF!), I began to ponder my own life--where I am, who I am, and where I want to be. You are only young once so I thought, what the hell. I've compiled my very own bucket list where you will find everything that I want to do before I turn 30 (because let's be real, we all know 30 is synonymous with death).

1. Travel the world. There are so many places I want to see. I want to be able to say that I have been to all seven continents and that I have visited all 50 states at least. I would love to back pack through Europe while my hips and knees are still working. And of course, by "back pack through Europe" I mean, stay at snazzy hotels and go on fabulous shopping sprees and eat the finest cuisines. Duh. I guess, it doesn't even have to be Europe. It would just be amazing to go anywhere in the world.
   
   
2. Buy a pair of Christian Louboutin heels. I know that it is impractical to spend 6 months of rent on a pair of heels that I would rarely wear because I want to preserve them and keep them immaculate, but come on! I'd be fabulous.
   
   
3. Learn to swim. I think it's time. Standing in 4 ft of water in the pool gets annoying when the little kids start splashing around and you get the butt of a noodle in the face (okay, the noodle in the face may or may not be my fault when I try to stand and balance on it). For some reason I'm deathly afraid of deep body's of water. I have no idea why. It probably has something to do with almost drowning in the Atlantic Ocean when I was 12, but I don't know probably not. I just feel like I need to learn how to swim. It's probably that survivor instinct I have.
   
   
4. Join the next Real World cast. Yes, I know this show sucks and has sucked since the season after Las Vegas. Yes, Real World: Washington, D.C. is weak. But come on, guys! Remember when we were 13 and you watched The Real World religiously? If you were anything like me, I bet you thought, Yup, when I turn 18 I'm sending in my audition tape. Then you turn 18 and then you realize you're not old enough to drink and you would be that lame underaged roommate who couldn't party. Then you turn 21 and realize alcohol makes you crazy and lose your inhibitions; and you don't want your mom and dad to see you hook up with everything with a pulse in the hot tub. Blah. Blah. Blah. You end up embarrassing your family and giving your grandmother a heart attack because you win a wet t-shirt contest. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Time flies, and all of sudden, BAM! You're 23 and a half and only have a year to even be considered to be on the show AND you realize your audition tape would've been so much better if you taped it right after your skeez ex dumps you. But hey, pop quiz: Whaddaya got to lose? Answer: Nothing because you're pretty sure ass is on the internet anyway. To quote a great man named Ricky Bobby, "I've sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm puttin' a lotta eggs in that basket, the MTV basket."
   
   
5. Attend Comic-Con. Not Wizard World. Not Emerald City. I need to make a pilgrimage to the Comic-Con. It is an absolute must. We all know I'm kind of a nerd and this is my mecca. Don't judge.
   
   
6. Buy a condo. Slowly but surely, I'm going to make it happen. It's about time I buckle down and own some property.
   
   
7. Star in my own successful Disney Channel sitcom. I only have a good ten to fifteen years of looking like I'm 17, but I will only have the tolerance and patience to deal with my overwhelming tween fans for about seven. Anyways, if you haven't heard me plead my case as to why I should be the next Disney Channel star go ahead and click here.
   
   
8. Start a fight club.. or at least a crazy bar fight. If you know me, you know I love punching and kicking. I've really only been in one real fight and that was when I was like seven. Some kid whipped a baseball at me and I twisted his arm til he was begging for mercy--NBD. What was I supposed to do? He drew first blood! Anyways, I've been hankering to be part of a good old cat fight for a while now. Watching The Jersey Shore is only helping to reignite that inner fight I have in me (i.e. JWoww beating the crap out of that girl). I would love to feel raw human flesh being crushed by my fist from my mad right hook and seeing the large imprint of my massive cocktail ring on some broad's face. I like trouble, so why can't I cause a ruckus of my own... just once. Plus, sometimes you just need to choke a bitch. Am I right?
   
   
9. Get arrested. Well, at least cuffed. I think it would be cool to have a real mug shot. It would also be pretty sweet to be in a line up... and try to look especially suspcious. (Insert shifty eyes here.)
   
   
10. Go to Vegas and party with my girlfriends. Basically, I'm thinking The Hangover meets Sex in the City sans the weird looking red head. What's one crazy weekend of partying with free drinks (because let's face it, having a vagina is basically like having a Black Amex in the sense it's guaranteed VIP) in fabulous clothes and amazing weather with a group of great girls? I hope that we all get black out drunk and find a tiger in the bathroom because that would be AWESOME.
    
    
11. Get married. Womp. Womp. Don't get it twisted. I had to drop this bomb. Note: I definitely don't want to get married any time soon and absolutely not right this second, but yes, I do want to get married before I am thirty. Whatever. Sue me.
    
    
12. Become a YouTube sensation. I need a catchy tune, a clever rhyme and a universal vision. To be honest, I've been so close, but kind of blew it. This is definitely a work in progress, but, oh, it will happen. There are a few ideas a-brewing in this little noggin of mine. My time will come and I will be a YouTube queen. You will see. Trust me, I'm going to be as big as the Dramatic Gopher. Just you wait and see. I'm gonna make something out of myself, mom!
    
    
13. Go for a ride on an elephant. F horses. Everyone can ride a stinkin' horse. Big whoop. Going for a ride on an elephant would be sweet! Maybe it's because I just saw Aladdin recently, but wouldn't that be the grandest entrance ever? I'd be scared to fall off, but whatever, then I could say I broke my arm because I fell off an elephant.
    
    
14. Have a drink in every bar in the great city of Chicago. This has been a goal of mine since the ripe ol' age of 21. At first, I wanted to achieve this goal in a year from my 21st birthday, but soon found it was impossible especially since I would black out and stumble into places. Basically, I just lost track. I know that I have been to a handful already, but I will get there. It is only a matter of time. Don't mind me if you see me peeing in an alley or throwing up in front of your building.
    
    
15. Be an extra for one of the Christian Bale Batman movies. I mean, duh.
    
    
16. Reunite the best band in the entire world, NSYNC. I am very vocal about this cause. I've written letters and waited outside of Justin Timberlake's house and even watched him sleep. Whatever. We all know it is JT's stubbornness and solo success that this group is failing to reunite. We need to band together as fans and show them that the world would be a better place if, and only if, they got back together for at least one show. I mean, the Spice Girls did it.

I'm sure I will be adding to the list. So stay tuned, kiddies...

M-I-C-K-E-Y Please Give Me a Job

Fame.

Fortune.

Power.

Underlings.

Who doesn't want that? If you say that you want none of the above, you are lying to yourself. Like most people, I've had a hand in my fair share of get-rich-quick schemes (buying and selling of rare beanie babies, selling human body parts on the black market, drug human trafficking, leaking celebrity sex tapes, etc), but I think it's time for me to take this to a whole new level. I want to be legit. Nay, I want to be too legit... too legit to quit as some would say. My name in lights, my face on the cover of magazines, my own clothing line at Wal-Mart Target, my own show which will eventually lead to a multimillion dollar movie/record deal, little 10-year-old girls to do my bidding---I want it all, baby. That's right kids, mama wants to be the next Disney superstar.

The kids upcoming talent that have associated themselves with Disney have had longevity in their careers and have a better crossover success rate when they move into their adult careers. Anybody who is relevant right this second probably has a tie to The Mouse. Well, at least 97% of anybody who is relevant.

Former Mouseketeer, Justin Timberlake is basically the King of Pop (That's right I said it. Back up, Kanye, you rap and do the hip hop. Leave the catchy songs and flashy dancing to JT.) Remember when you saw Disturbia and it was awkward when you started to find Shia "French for The Beef" LaBeouf attractive? That's probably because you kept thinking about how you wanted to make out with Louis Stevens and that's gross. From what I understand, Lindsay Lohan is doing...stuff... I guess. Miss Britney Spears made her come back. And you know that Zac Efron has taken over your home and your heart. (Advice: Watch 17 Again and thank me in the morning.) Other Disney alum include: JC Chasez, Keri Russell, The Duff, Miley, Ryan Gosling--the list goes on and on. Point is they all got their start on Disney and made it big. And yes, ABDC is a big deal.

Nowadays, the Disney Channel is where it is at. It is a farm for little tabloid mongers raw talent. Nickelodeon can suck it. Josh from Drake and Josh isn't even funny anymore since he isn't fat. Jamie-Lynn got all knocked up and Zoey 101 got a little bit awkward when everyone had to explain why little Zoey had to go away for nine months. No one on the Disney Channel got pregnant while their careers were at their peak. (Hey, Disney, I don't even believe in premarital sex. I have a promise ring and everything) The DC only has shows that build morals and instill values into today's youth in a comical wholesome family friendly way and I dig that. Oh and their one show kind of makes me want to be a wizard because that is kind of cool.

What's that you ask? Am I too old to be Disney's new little darling? Heck no (notice I didn't say "hell"). In fact, I'm at my prime. Four words: Ashley Tisdale, Fug Kevin Jonas. They both have their driver's licenses, can vote, and one of them is getting married or something. Well, whadaya know? I, too have a driver's license and can vote. The only reason why I'm not getting married is because I'm saving myself for Joe Jonas. Like many of their Disney cohorts, The Tiz and the oldest Jonas, are in their early 20's, like myself, and play high school kids on tv. Not only will Disney never have to worry about violating any child labor laws with me, they won't ever have to worry about any bad press for underage drinking either. Duh. I'm totally over 21. Plus, have you seen me? I look like I'm 17 years old. Second plus, I'm Asian, which means I'll look 17 years old until I'm say... I don't know... 97! It's a win-win for both parties.

Can I act? Can I act? I scoff at you. Let me let you in on a little known fact about me: I can cry on cue. I know. Not many people can do that anymore and I don't even have to go to my sad place to do that. Oh and you haven't seen comedic timing like mine since The Three Stooges, Lucille Ball, and Pauly Shore. That's right. I'm money. Once America sees my pouty face and puppy dog eyes, they'll be done. I'll own the audience and make them all my bitch. And I don't know if you knew this, but London Tipton from Suite Life... yeah, she's basically loosely based on me. Whatever. Not many people know and I don't like to brag. Why have the knock off, when you can have the real thing? (That's right, Brenda Song, I was totally directing that comment toward you.)

As far as nudey pic scandals go, I mean I'll do them when I need a little more buzz (cough... Vanessa Hudgens). I can take the heat. I have a cell phone and access to the internet. Just kidding. I've got nothing to hide. They're already on my Facebook page. Go ahead and comment on them. Once I'm the latest Disney sensation and this issue needs to be addressed, I'll just apologize and talk about how I never realized I was a role model until this very moment. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Cue the single tear rolling down my cheek. Then I lay low for while. Ba-da-bing-ba-da-boom. I've got more press than ever and I'm starring in a tween movie. I know the company protocol already and I can do my own PR.

Oh and I would totally be BFF with the Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus... but not when they are together since we all know they secretly hate each other. Can you say drama? I'd also be into dating a Jonas Brother for a little publicity. Joe's into the older ladies (rawr) and I'm kind of into Joe (just wanted to put that out there). Yes. I will become America's sweetheart and be one step closer to taking over the world. With nothing standing between me and my tween army except a foot of bullet proof glass in case some smart ass tries to stage a coup, I will rule with an iron fist and no one will stop me. (Insert evil laugh here.)

Now that I think about it, Disney needs me--almost more than I need them. I'm ready, willing and able, Disney. Just let me know when and where and I'll be there. Be sure to have my venti caramel macchiato with skim milk and a splash of whipped from Starbucks next to my contract in my trailer. I'll be there in 5. Thanks. :)