Teenagers Scare the Living Mess Out of Me.

Dear Youth of America,

I think I'm speaking on behalf of, oh, the world when I say, you all suck. What the hell is wrong with you? You're all a bunch of not-quite-hipster, emo kids obsessed with glittery vampires and Justin Bieber. You all have these mood swings and tempter tantrums like you're all kindergartners who have the ability to form proper sentences.  With your gender bending tight pants, your Hot Topic, and the irony of your "individuality" (since you look like every other 15-year-old wielding mommy and daddy's credit card), you think you run this joint we call the world. You looove your weirdly angled photos, which can be seen on whatever social networking site with too much eyeliner and too much hairspray in your fashion mullets.

Between the garbage on MTV telling me you're all 16 and Pregnant and that you want to be Made into God knows what, I don't understand your generation. One second, you are all having your mom drive you to the mall because you are into the Hot Topic goth scene and flocking retardly (that's right I made up a word) to see this Twilight. The next, you all love the Taylor Swift and the recycling. Then I turn my back and you're knocked up and dropping out of school. It's like all of you were raised by a hippy Elvira and Billy Ray Cyrus.

And don't you roll your eyes at me like I was never a damn teenager. Been there. Done that. I've been in your store-bought worn out Chuck T's and last I checked, I wasn't this obnoxious nor were any of my friends. It's probably because in my day, we had a little something called discipline. When we turned 16, we got jobs and learned the value of the almighty dollar and we had structure in our lives, which is lacking in today's youth. You turn 16 today, you swipe few dollar bills from granny's purse and you buy the cocaine and get huff glue. It blows my mind because my generation had to huff what was around the house. Kids today are all about that "rock and roll" and this "hip hop". I mean, this is the only thing leading to the premarital sex and vampire fascination with the hippy undertones. (I hate hippies.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is: please ask for your parents consent to get spayed or neutered right now. We don't need a more asinine generation to follow... or 27-year-old grandparents.

Warm Regards,

(idk my bff) KIM

Eric Northman, Be My Maker

Dear Eric Northman,

This may not be the time or the place since you are dealing with the loss of Godric (who was very bad ass if I may say so), but please be my maker. I think that I would make a kick ass vampire minion. I wouldn't even drink True Blood because if I'm going to be a vampire, I sure as hell will not half ass it and drink synthetic crap. If it helps, I already own a pair of leather pants, so I will fit right into your nest and if you want to move this vampire craze up north, I will be more than happy to be the sheriff of whatever area Chicago is.

I want you to be my maker because you have power. Power is hot. Even if you weren't Sherriff of Area 5, you would still own Fangtasia, which means you have ambition and drive since you are an entreprenuer. It is also very important to me that you are my maker because you answer to no man and I like that because I hate authority (F the police... yeah, I said it, WHAT?).

Also, you are so much cooler than those TWILIGHT nobodies. They're all virginal and too scared to suck blood. If Edward Cullen were my maker I would die. He's so sensitive and always wants to talk about feelings. I know that you can be sensitive too, but I like that you are more about business time... if you know what I mean (insert cat noise here). And even though I like glitter, I'm glad you don't get all shiny in the light. That's a little too flamboyant... even for a vampire.

Bill is cool and all, but I would rather have you be my maker because you are so much more broody and mysterious. He's all pastier than a normal vampire and all about doing the right thing. I'm more for ripping people apart and trying to not get blood in my highlights. So hot. Also, you seem to have Pam in check and I like that. Mr. Compton doesn't even know what to do with Jessica.

Speaking of Pam, I like her and all, but I would do whatever you wanted without question. I wouldn't care if I ruined my favorite pumps. If you were my maker, I wouldn't even think and just do because like you said, there is no bond stronger than that between a vampire and his maker. ;)

Unlike Sookie, I don't even need to drink any of your blood to be attracted to you. Hell, I don't even need to be glamoured. To be honest, I wasn't even attracted to you until you got hair cut because I really wasn't feeling you with long hair and I'm not a fan of blonds. But your so tall and broody. And I like that your not afraid to cry.

If you do not want to be my maker, that is cool. I can be your human pet, whatever. You're just way hot and if it were possible, I would like have your babies. Too bad we cannot procreate. Our babies would be pure sex. :)

Anyways, I hope you think about being my maker. We could rule the world, Eric Northman, and it would be sweet.

Love Always,

(idk my bff) Kim