Chill Out, Freckles McGee.

Dear Jersey Shore Cast (aka The Classiest People I've Ever Seen In My Life),

In just eight frickin' weeks you changed my frickin' life. Your show spoke to me in a way that, you know, was so frickin' relatable. Every frickin' Thursday, I like frickin' loved all of your crazy drunken bar fights and misadventures. With all the Gotti hair gel and cheetah print and bedazzled t-shirts, I totally like lived vicariously through alls of you guys. (Okay, I'll stop with the poor grammar.) It's safe to say you seven (let's face it, Angelina is a chump and no one even remembers her anyway), are my heroes and when I'm 27-years-old, I can only hope to be like all of you.

Yes, I am well aware that I am not of Italian descent, however, as proven by this fine program, being a guido or guidette is a lifestyle that one becomes accustomed to. Had my parents been responsible and thought about my future and my well-being from the day I was born, they would have stayed in Jersey where I could have possibly reached my star potential. Being the only non-Italian person on The Shore, I would have helped the break boundaries as your cool neighbor or something. Also, I feel like you guys would've received less flack from everyone for "negatively" depicting Italian-Americans. I didn't see a single Italian stereotype. I just saw seven (remember, I don't count Angelina because she sucks) young individuals who were looking to party, get in fights (whether or not it be with other individuals or the music at the bar) and smush. Who am I to judge? Personally, it sounds like a lot of fun. He who hath not smushed, cast the first stone. Am I right or am i right?

On the real, I feel like the person who I am today is made up of little bits of you guys. Vinny, like you, I have a college degree. (High five for higher education.) Like Sammi, I, too, am "the sweetest bitch you will ever meet but [you] don't fuck with me" because I will literally cut you. I mean, I keep a razor in underneath my tongue. Coincidence alert: Ronnie is juiced and I LOVE juice (preferably grapefruit, pineapple, and/or cranberry). When I go out, I tease the mess out of hair so I can get a poof just like Nicole "Snookie" Polizzi. Just like sweet, sweet Pauly D, I like to end all of my war stories with a random fact of the day (Remember when you told us about how you punched a guy in the nose and then wrapped it up with: "It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break someone's nose"? Or the other time you were talking about how sometimes you have to hang out with a girl a few times before you engaged in smushing and explained that was how you knew they weren't a whore?). JWoww, I'm not there yet, but because of you, I'm inspired to invest in a ginormous pair of knockers (Why not, right?), especially since I feel like they aided you in gaining the opportunity to see Pauly's... uh... piercing. (What I'm curious?) Mike, I'm sorry, brah, but I really have nothing in common with you. But you know, you are cool. Whatever.

Anyways, I basically wanted to make sure that you guys don't flake out on your upcoming appearances like you did a few weeks ago because I will get real heated. I've already got my tan, my "sexy sophisticated" club shirt from JWoww's line (in the yellow AND blue), and so much hairspray in my poof that I could literally be set on fire if someone lit a cigarette, ah-right?! Fact, Sammie and Ronnie broke up on the reunion show, but I'm counting on you guys to be at McFadden's on Feburary 4th to frickin' party. (So what?) I don't care if there have been reports about Ronnie creeping on other girls. Get over it and party in Chi-City. Pauly D, JWoww, and The Situation: I swear to God if you don't show up to Joe's on Weed Street on the 19th of February and on March 6th, I will back hand you so hard that you will think that you are The Three Frickin' Stooges. So don't be a bunch of frickin' mooks. Alls I want to do is beat the beat up with you.

Well, I've said my peace. So don't f up. See you, kids soon.

Warm Regards,


(idk my bff) KIM

P.S. If I can be frank for a second, you guys need to stop being a bunch of jabronis (Mikey and Pauly D, sources say you're the cause of the problem. So quit it and be good.) and accept whatever the f MTV wants to give you for season 2. Getting $10,000 per episode for your sophomore season is a pretty sweet deal for 12 episodes. Jenni, that's a lot of ham. Snookie, that's a lot of frickin' pickles. You all better be back (minus Angelina because she's a bartender and that means she does "like, important things"). Don't forget, I don't like change.