Lost Lessons By IDK My BFF Kim

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for neglecting to update this blog, but trust me, I have a good reason. See, my life, as of late, has become consumed by a little phenomenon I like to call, Lost. Yeah, I know. I'm a little late to the party, but so what! I started watching this show a few weeks ago and became obsessed. Not only is this show wildly entertaining, but it taught me a few things about life that I never knew and/or confirmed what I already knew. So, friends, I'd like to share with you some Lost Lessons. (Oh, and for the sake of crazies who aren't up to date with the show (Meegan) and I know I'm not going to tip toe around things that happened, I guess this is where I am supposed to say: SPOILER ALERT.)

Lost Lesson 1: It's a Small World After All.

You know that game, 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Or that social networking site, Facebook? In a nutshell, life is basically like that. We are all interconnected in a weird way. Lost shows this in its characters' flashbacks/flash forwards. Regardless of whether or not Flight 815 crashed on the island, these people's lives would still impact one another for better or for worse. Take the Jacob character for instance. He took it upon himself to see the main characters of the show at their most vulnerable moments (Kate and Sawyer as children, Jin and Sun at their wedding, Locke after he was thrown out of the window, etc.). And if the plane never crashed, Sawyer would've become a cop and he still would've worked with Miles who would set him up on a date with Charlotte, who he would still f the mess out of. I guess what I am trying to say is that fate has a funny way of working and the people who are meant to be in your life, will be in your life no matter what crazy path you choose.

Lost Lesson 2: You can take the girl out of the bull dyke, but you can't take the bull dyke out of the girl. (That doesn't sound right, but you get where I am going.)

Girl Fight, Fast and the Furious, S.W.A.T., and Lost. These are the most memorable movies that actress, Michelle Rodriguez, is most known for. FACT. These roles all call for the same type of woman: butch, intimidating, scary, borderline man-hating lesbian with emotional issues. FACT. Michelle Rodriguez is unfairly being typecast into these roles because she is the only woman in the world who's aura can emasculate a man, terrify a woman, and be the main suspect in a rape/homicide and still not be convicted for fear that a potentially more obscene and graphic Shawshank Redemption-esque rape scene may ensue. FACT. If anyone were to make a movie that called for a scary butch lesbian type that hides her feelings under a very scary butch exterior Michelle Rodriguez would be at the top of their casting list. FACT. Michelle Rodriguez scares the gum balls out of me. FACT. You get my point.

Lost Lesson 3: Ethnic people can be attractive too.

If you knew the pre-Lost me, you knew about my aversion to people of color. It's nothing personal. I just like my men like I like my teeth---straight, white, and strong. (Trust me. This was the least offensive analogy I could come up with.) Lost showed me that I should keep an open mind because there are good looking men from all over the world. The ageless Richard Alpert showed me that not all Spanish men are gay. Just because they are clean and pretty doesn't mean they enjoy the company of men. They are just more in touch with their feelings (duly noted after this passed episode) and have lush eyelashes that only make it look like they are wearing a lot of eyeliner. And when Sayid wasn't being the island's Geek Squad and assassinating/torturing/beating up people, he wasn't too shabby. He was also pretty romantic when he was trying to woo Shannon in the first season. Am I right, ladies? Then there is Jin, the light at the end of the tunnel. Just when I thought the Asian man could only evolve into rice burner loving racers or a contestant on ABDC, Jin proved me wrong. He's smart, sweet and loving, but he can still beat the crap out of someone. When the freighter blew up and he wasn't on the next few episodes, I was genuinely worried about his well being. I really didn't want him to die. If it weren't for Sawyer, Jin would definitely be the hottest guy on the island. (Insert obnoxious hoots and hollars here.)

Lost Lesson 4: Stereotyping is wrong.

To some extent, George Clooney's character in the film Up in the Air was right. It is "faster" to stereotype people. Hell, I'll even say it's just more convenient, but let me tell you, it is wrong, dear friends. You hear me? Wrong! After all, how wrong were the survivors of Flight 815 when they first got on the island? Sawyer accused Sayid of being a terrorist just because he is an Iraqi. Sayid assumed that Sawyer was the felon being escorted by the Air Marshall just because he was the southern man with a bad attitude and a gun. Michael hated Jin and Sun because he assumed that just because they were Korean, they hated all black people, but Jin only hated Michael because he thought that he stole his father-in-law's watch. Also, Jin and Sun were alienated because they couldn't speak english. Because of all their prejudices, it took a while for everyone to bond and work together to try to get off of the island. After opening their minds and having a little more patience, everyone seemed to grow more and more fond of each other.

Lost Lesson 5: Matthew Fox is really boring.

Remember the joke Seth Rogan told to Kather Heigl in the movie, Knocked Up? Well, you should. He asked, "You know what's interesting about Matthew Fox? NOTHING!" And after the first few episodes of Lost, I couldn't agree more. I mean, yeah, we get it, Matthew Fox aka Jack Shepherd, you are a doctor and you have daddy issues. Get over it. Everything he does episode is predictable: bitch/moan, woo Kate then cry over her, suture someone, flashback, daddy issues, back to the present, cue meaningless epiphany, ponder life, fade to black, rinse and repeat. Sure, he is crucial to the plot line of the show (debatable), but grow some balls and I'll fain a little more interest, Doc. With that said...

Lost Lesson 6: Love Triangles are Overrated.

Love triangles are always supposed to be juicy and keep the interest of the audience. Take a look at the kids of Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and even Saved by the Bell. They follow one simple formula: 2 Hot Guys + 1 Hot Girl + Crazy Sexual Tension Between All Parties = Successful Love Triangle. Right? Wrong. Lost just happened to f up this formula by using Matthew Fox, who may be easy on the eyes, but happens to be crazy boring. They got the hot girl part right with Kate, but she gets boring too since we are constantly reminded that she is a fugitive on the run. Unfortunately, this cancels out Jack Shepherd. They have one ace in the whole that keeps us entertained for a little bit. This is where Sawyer comes in, but unfortunately Lost still manages to prove this equation false. Watching scenes with Jack and Kate were almost painful since Jack was this lovesick puppy who was trying to act cool around Kate, but he would continue to fail. Kate knew about Jack's feelings and obviously liked the attention, but totally had a thing for Sawyer because let's face it, who wouldn't? But when the Jack would be distant, she felt the need to get physical with Sawyer. And since he is real life grown up, Sawyer would get all mushy and tell Kate know how he felt about her. This scared her and drove her to the good doctor. So she went back and forth between Sawyer and Jack, which got old real quick.

Lost Lesson 7: The Pompous A-Hole Always Gets Laid.

As long as we are on the subject, who would you rather sleep with: boring and lame Dr. Shepherd or hot bad ass con-man, Sawyer? I think the answer is blatantly obvious. If you wouldn't rather sleep with Sawyer, you're un-American. Every girl loves a bad boy (it's science). For some reason, the emotional insecurity and unstableness that they provide you when they decide to come around is so.... well, sexy. The woman on the island are no exception because Sawyer is the guy that gets laid the most. He's bedded Kate many a time, Ana Lucia (despite her huge wanger), Charlotte in the alternate universe, and even the baby doctor, Juliet. Le sigh. Sawyer. He's just the boy all the good girls want.

Lost Lesson 8: Everyone Should Have a Chubby Friend.

I'm pretty in love with Hurley (in a very platonic kind of way). So he sneaks ranch dressing into the jungle and sees dead people, but doggone it, I think it is part of his charm. Out of everyone on the show, he is definitely the most loyal and genuinely caring. Hurley made living on the island bearable--building the golf course and having a food party. He was the comic relief and he was sooo sweet. But when something is going down and Hurley doesn't like it, you best be listening to him. Had Locke listened to Hurley, the hatch probably wouldn't have blown up. Plus, I wouldn't not listen to him because he talks to dead people and stuff. Duh! It makes me wish I had a chubby curly haired friend named Hurley.

Lost Lesson 9: People who you think may be Jesus just may not be.

So, I may have Lostpedia-ed a few theories about the show and this led my to believe that John Locke may be Jesus. I know. I know. I couldn't have been more wrong. But in my defense, there was a lot of evidence pointing to him being Jesus. Locke had these healing powers, loved helping everyone, and the ability to talk to this Jacob (who I thought was God to some extent). Not to mention, he was super wise. Boon hung on his every word. He helped Charlie get over his drug addiction and eased Claire into motherhood. Locke also always spoke about his faith openly. His voice was almost motivating and his words were very sincere, which probably led him to have a lot of people trust him and become his follower. Then Locke decided to die and raise himself from the dead, which is also pretty Jesus-like (Happy Easter). From that point on, it was kind of down hill. Turns out that it was his blind faith that got him killed and made him into the murderous smoke monster. No. Big. Deal. He's a pretty bad man now and I don't know much about him. I just know he's definitely not supposed to be Jesus anymore. (Ruh roh.)

Lost Lesson 10: Don't Take a Beach Day for Granted.

When it's smoldering hot out and all you want to do is lay out, just be glad that you can leave. Somewhere out there, there could be a plane that crashed on a deserted island and they can't leave. These people may have to find away to just get by. And yeah, they may go a little stir crazy and paranoid which may or may not lead them to kill, but they have to do what they need to do to survive. Darwinism. Bitch.