Kim Zolciak: Role Model to Women Everywhere

Dear Kim Zolciak,

Why you have not received the Mother of the Year award is beyond me. From nurse and stripper waitress to up-and-coming country pop diva, you are basically the next Taylor Swift--if Taylor Swift were a 42-year-old chain-smoking homewrecker. When you are not at home smoking at the dinner table and making your kids sleep in your bed (even though they are between the ages of nine and thirteen), you are firing the help for running to the store to buy tampons and spending over $3400 in kid clothes at some jank version of the Kardashian's store, Smooch and the rip off of Limited Too, Justice. You've gotta spend it like you got it, right?

As a mother, you teach your daughters the importance of being "damn good looking". You have it all: huge fake ta-ta's, a sweet porn star weave wig (which you allegedly spend $1100 a day on), and you are never tardy for the party. Not to mention, a married man who pays for every little thing you want and that you think you are engaged to. I know that most people frown upon you being an adultress and all, but I think that they are just jealous. You have morals too. When you and Big Poppa aren't on a break, your skirts cover your ass more and your boobs aren't hanging out as much. You truly are a class act. I mean, if I were one of your daughters, I would want to be just like you too.

Now, this may just be the excessive botox and restilin working their magic, but you always have your game face on (and a glazed over look in your eyes). You never let anyone keep you down. When you thought Nene and Sheree were going to beat the mess out of you, you brought your helmet to the five star restaurant you were at. No big deal. Miss Zolciak, you are crafty... like a fox. You are also an entreprenuer. Sure, you're making that little man in tight pants and heels make all your weaves, but hey, that's just all the hard labor. You work it for the money to make your dreams come true. And yeah, Kandi and her producers had to totally rework your vocals to sound like that you were remotely in tune, but whatever, "Tardy for the Party" is kicking ass on the charts. Get it, girl.

Personally, I think that you are a great hero for women everywhere. As a reality television icon, you are a reflection of a real woman--a single mom trying to make a living and provide for her family. Yes, you get by on your boobs and slutty-ness, but that only makes you the anti-thesis of the whole women's suffrage movement fiasco. I mean, if you can suck it in and stick 'em out, more power to you, heffer.


Sincerely,

-(idk my bff) Kim