What is this fascination that we all have with this little thing we like to call “love”? All of our lives we are bombarded with these over-romanticized ideas of love. As children, we are read fairy tales that encourage us to go find our “happily ever after”. In our English Literature classes, we are required to read the lovelorn works of William Shakespeare, who taught us that “love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares”.
Images of love are everywhere we turn. You look up; you see the new billboard for the most recent cell phone fad featuring a man and woman in a lustful embrace. You look to your left; you see the movie poster for the latest film adaptation of a Jane Austen novel starring Hugh Grant or Kiera Knightley. When you turn to your right, you see a couple kissing and holding hands because they are so in love.
You turn on the television; every other channel has their own version of “The Bachelor”. And all you hear on the radio are the new love songs by Alicia Keys or Justin Timberlake. We cannot forget all the pressure you get from your family about why you are not dating anyone, and how you find yourself being the odd man out when you are out with friends since they all have significant others.
All of this can drive a person mad, especially when you are in fact single, and even more so, when you just got out of a long-term relationship. Whatever happened to be single and having fun while you are in your twenties? Why are so many of us in such a hurry to find “the one”?
Recently, I was watching the film, 40-Year-Old Virgin. From the title of the movie, I trust that you have already assumed what it is about. In the film, there was a scene in which Andy Stitzer (the main character played by Steve Carell) is forced by his meddling friends to go speed dating in an attempt for him to meet women. Despite how Andy met the most random and socially inept women while speed dating (in order for hilarity could ensue), the idea of speed dating intrigued me.
In addition to films, speed dating has been put in the plot lines of many television shows like Dead Like Me and Sex and the City. These films and shows are all targeted toward people in their twenties and early thirties; and because of the exposure in major media outlets such as these, speed dating is a growing phenomenon in the dating scene especially with that specific demographic. Furthermore, it only exacerbates my theory that more and more twenty-somethings are in a hurry to find true love.
What is speed dating? Where did it come from? Why is it so popular among young adults? Does it work? This whole idea of speed dating was so foreign to me. Not only did I not understand the whole process of it, I did not understand why anyone would want to participate in it.
According to Caroline Campbell in an article from Discovery: Health, speed dating was “established by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo [and his wife, Sue Deyo] in 1999” who “based [it] on a Jewish tradition of chaperoned gatherings of young Jewish singles.” In Harvard Magazine, Sue Deyo stressed, “Speed dating is about marriage, and for people who want to get married” (Brown 1). The movement worked as a means to keep singles from marrying outside of their faith not only for Jewish singles, but also for other secular communities (Campbell 1). Speed dating events are held for any demographic. There are parties stratified various for ages, ethnicities, religions, sexual orientations, and even professions.
From what I saw in 40-Year-Old Virgin, speed dating consisted of a group of socially awkward individuals, who could not meet people under normal circumstances, engaging in series of brief conversations with other socially inept people and determining whether or not they would like to further get to know the other person based on that same intense three-minute conversation. Why would anyone want to put themselves in such an uncomfortable situation? I just did not get it.
Maybe I was being close-minded, but speed dating did not look like anything that I wanted to participate in myself. However, it did ignite a certain curiosity I had on the subject. I could not put my finger on it, but something about the entire process was just fascinating to me. To better understand it, I just needed to experience it for myself.
I found out about a speed dating event for singles in their 20’s and early 30’s. It was going to be held at the Wrigleyville Bar Louie. I was expecting the worst. At the door, we were greeted by a bubbly blonde woman in a purple minidress and the booming sound of the bass from the blaring music. The bar was full of young people who were eating, drinking and being merry. “Are you here for speed dating?” the young woman asked. I introduced myself, and explained to her that I would just like to better understand speed dating. She said that I could observe the daters quietly. As she walked me to the back of the bar, she told me her name was Sara and that she was the event’s hostess.
When Sara and I walked into the back room of the bar, it was completely empty except for the few people sitting quietly in every which corner of the room. It was a complete contrast of the front of the bar. I could not help but think that the night was going to be as big of a disaster as it was in 40-Year-Old Virgin. I watched Sylvia, the other hostess, as she checked in a few other people. Eight o’clock rolled around’ all of a sudden the backroom was filled with a group of young people eager to start speed dating.
“A lot of people assume that members of speed dating programs are losers, ugly, have issues or lack confidence…[b]ut [usually they] are actually very confident and attractive” (Smith 2). In fact, I remembered seeing the lot of them at the front of the bar when I came in. I was surprised because none of them really fit the mental image I had of the typical speed dater.
I was expecting very reserved social outcasts, but the young men and women in attendance were outgoing, boisterous, and dressed in the latest fashion trends. I was also surprised with the turn out—there were eighteen men and nineteen women. Sara was happy with the turn out as well. “There’s a good chance that there’s going to be a match tonight,” she said with her southern twang.
Once everyone was settled in, Sara welcomed the group, and explained to them the rules of speed dating. The daters, “armed with a nametag, a scorecard and their sparkling personality”, were coupled together at each table (Campbell 1). On their nametag, each dater had a number that was listed in their scorecards. Next to each number, the dater was to mark whether or not they liked their date. When they arrived home, each dater had to record their answers on the virtual scorecard and to see if there was a match.
Each date lasted about four minutes. During the four minutes, the daters could converse about anything from their occupation to what their favorite movies are. Even though she was having a lot of fun, one dater, Kelly, 25, confessed that after a while speed dating was getting to be a little exhausting. “It’s tiring to have the same conversation over and over again,” the thin brunette confesses, “You can only talk about what you do and where you are from so many times.” I noticed that the daters talked a little faster since they are given a time constraint. Each dater wanted to be sure that they wanted to say everything they needed to say to make the right first impression. Starting a conversation with several complete strangers in one night “requires a lot of confidence, and even some attractiveness” (Smith 2).
With a blow of a whistle, Sara would let the daters know that it was time to switch dates. The ladies remained seated as the gentlemen rotated from table to table. Because there was an uneven number of men and women, the lone single was free to do what he or she wanted during their short break—go to the bathroom or grab a drink. Most of them took advantage of the complimentary appetizers.
The daters on the break would indulge in the spinach dip or bruschetta as Sara would try to find out if there were any sparks flying between any of the daters. “So did you find anyone you want to sleep with?” she would ask some of the daters jokingly, even though she did have genuine interest in whether or not the daters were hitting it off.
“I love seeing who matched up with whom after the party is over,” Sara told me, “It’s one of the best parts of my job.” As the night went on, she explained to me that you were able to tell if sparks were flying between a couple by their body language and facial expressions. Sara was a great hostess would do and she made sure that all the daters were having a good time.
As Sara was making sure all of the dates were running smoothly, Sylvia and I, along with some of the other daters, began to come up with nicknames for some of the party. We dubbed one of them as “Take Home to Mom” because he looked like your typical nice guy. Another one of the guys kept “double dipping”, so Sylvia called him the “Double Dipper”. When any of the ladies would come up to our table they would tell us about “Big Guns”.
From what I understand, “Big Guns” was not the best conversationalist, but he was very attractive and extremely muscular. I believe one lucky lady was able to take him home that night. By gossiping about who was hitting it off and who we thought was cute, it felt like we were just a group of friends hanging out at a bar. It was a very lax atmosphere.
The night ended once everyone had one date with every person in the room. Sara encouraged the group to stay at the bar and mingle with each other as long they wanted. The daters came to this event for a variety of reasons. Some of the daters came looking for love like avid speed dater, Eduardo, 26. He thinks that speed dating is a great way to meet women. “I am very shy,” he confessed, “but in this setting I feel more at ease.” Others, like Jennifer, 24, came to “hook up”. “It’s not about falling in love,” she said, “It’s about having fun.” Most of the speed daters came because they just enjoyed meeting new people. Cate, 22, said, “I live in Wrigleyville and most of the guys I meet are meatheads. I just want to meet someone I could have an actual conversation with.” Sara agreed with Cate. Sometimes you go speed dating and end up making a friend.
When Sara and a good friend of hers both got out of long-term relationships, they turned to speed dating to get back in the dating scene and have fun. Although her friend went on dates with several of the guys there, she did not. Sara did, however, become great friends with Lisa, the girl sitting next to her. “We joked around the whole time and exchanged numbers at the end of the night,” she laughed, “Who knew I’d pick up a GIRL?!” Later on, Sara was the one who introduced Lisa to her, now, husband, and they just had a baby together. “So I did make a match in a round about way,” smiled Sara, “Just not for myself!”
By the end of the night, I was pleasantly surprised that speed dating was not at all what I expected. Sara informed me of another speed dating event and invited me to come. It was at the same venue at the same time.
When I arrived at Bar Louie for the second night of speed dating, I was kind of looking forward to it. I had so much fun chatting with the daters and observing them. I also began to understand why Sara enjoyed being a hostess so much. I was greeted by Sara at the door. She instructed me to go the back of the room and let me know that the event was about to start.
My jaw dropped. Just by looking at the night’s daters, I already knew that this event was going to be the complete opposite of the first one. Sara did too. She turned to me and said, “Last time, you saw the rock stars, and tonight, you’ll see the socially awkward.” There were seventeen young women and sixteen young men this time around, Sara explained the same procedure to them and at the blow of her whistle, the speed dating began.
The first big difference that I noticed between the two groups is that this one was not a drinking group. At the prior speed dating event, the majority of them were drinking and a few of them were slightly drunk. That may have been the reason that group was much chattier than the second group. Tonight, the once comfortable area was very tense. None of the daters seemed comfortable talking to each other. The room was filled with a quiet nervous laughter.
I felt like I was at a junior high school dance. Everyone was wearing their finest clothes, but all of them looked like slightly uncomfortable as if their mothers forced them to wear those particular outfits. The young ladies would sit on their side with their arms folded, and the young men would constantly check their watches as if the four minute conversation was an eternity. The boys were scared to talk to the girls and vice versa. And then there was “Blue Dress” as I called her. In junior high school, she would have been the cliché transfer student who wore her skirts too short and smoked cigarettes in the bathroom.
“Blue Dress”, who’s real name was Vanessa, seemed like the only person in the room who has ever talked to the opposite sex. You could tell that she was on a mission to find Mr. Perfect. Unfortunately for her, she was not going to find him tonight. She knew this and made it blatantly obvious. At one point in the evening, she got up and walked out on one of the poor guys. “It’s like meeting someone at a bar,” Vanessa, 24, told me on her break, “It’s either a hit or a miss.” I got the idea that she has been to a few of these events. Needless to say, Vanessa is and marked a “no” for every young man she encountered that night.
Like most women, Vanessa is choosier than the average speed dating man. “On average, women choose 2.6 men and see 45 percent of their proposals matched… men propose to 5 and their proposals are matched in only 20 percent of the cases” (Belot 10). These percentages average to approximately twenty-two matches per event (Belot 10). In reference to what had happened between Vanessa and the young man she walked out on: “I’m sorry that I have standards. I want to find someone that I just click with and weed out the ones that I don’t [click with]. I’m looking for a meaningful relationship, not a fling.”
That is the very reason why Sara thinks speed dating is becoming increasingly popular. “People don’t want to waste three hours of their life on a date that they know in the first five minute is going nowhere,” said matter-of-factly, “Speed dating helps them skip that painful step.”
I was beginning to think that I was wrong about speed dating. I was expecting the lonely and desperate people to be the only people signed up for speed dating, but they were all completely normal people just looking to meet someone. “People are so busy now. They are used to multi-tasking every little thing---even their love life,” Sara explained to me, “This is a way to meet a bunch of people and quickly decide whether or not you want to see them again.” And it is true; in one night, you are able to meet the same amount of people it would take several weekends to meet.
Also, I was expecting that everyone who went speed dating was looking for love. I learned that just like any other type of dating, sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. Speed daters do not always find a match. The point of speed dating is to help you meet a lot of people and to briefly get to know them. The more people you meet the more likely you may find a match. Speed dating just cuts out the awkward pauses in the initial conversation since the encounter is so brief. The dater will know right away if they want to see someone again or not. It is all probability and holds no guarantee that you will find true love.
I still think that a lot of young people in their twenties and thirties are looking to find someone. Maybe they are not looking to fall in love, but they are willing to explore the possibility of it. They may not be looking for their future spouse right now, but hey, it would be nice if they got to take someone home. A lot of couples are waiting until they are much older to get married, but they are staying in long-term non-marital relationships (Brown 1).
Some of singles are just looking to have some short-term fun—or as Rabbi Deyo would say they were just looking to “hook up” (Brown 1). The rabbi goes on to say that “[i]t’s not because they don’t want more meaningful relationships… it’s a question for them not knowing how to get there…and they [are just trying] to figure it out” (Brown 1).
Sara believes that even though it is acceptable to stay single longer, she still believes that young people put an internal pressure on themselves to find their soul mate as soon as possible. I think that Sara is right. As twenty-somethings we feel pressure to find “the one” just because that is what we know. Even though it is more acceptable to remain single until later in your life, it is still an alien thought to most of our biological clocks.
“Sometimes twenty-somethings settle for Mr. Maybe for fear that they won’t find Mr. Right when really, he is out there,” she stated. As twenty-somethings, I think that finding the one should be the least of our worries for right now. Of course, falling in love is a phenomenal feeling, but it should not consume your entire life. Being in your twenties, you have your whole life to fall in and out of love. Everyone has a “happily ever after”; you just have to be patient and realize that you cannot rush love.
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